To Love Again Ch 1

A chill swept over her body, and she shivered. Pulling the blankets tighter, Lani tried to slow the thumping in her chest. Nighttime was the worst. When she was a kid, the “monsters” under the bed made her feel the same way. Back then, she knew something was waiting to grab her legs when she turned off the light. The sprint from the light switch to the bed was torture. Eventually she grew out of that night terror.

Until last year that is.

Unlike her childhood monsters, this one had been real. No matter what she did to calm herself, she felt helpless like a child at bedtime.

Every time she closed her eyes, she could feel wind from an unknown hand blow across her face, just as it had that night. Her face prickled with dread at the thought of that hand. In the silence between dreams and reality, Lani tossed and turned.

Snap!

Something closes over her mouth and she struggles to breathe. A hand muffles the sound of her scream as a rough cloth is shoved in her mouth and is pulled tight around her head. It rips her hair and her tongue is shoved back in her throat.

It is too dark to see anything and she tries to struggle, but her blankets hold her entombed. The covers are pulled tighter over her arms and torso, restricting all movement. She is wrapped like a mummy in her own bed. She is helpless.

Waves of cool air rush over her legs and hips. Rough hands touch her. She knows what is coming. In an instant, she resumes her struggle. The pressure on her chest increases as he leans against her. Hot breaths blow across her face. She tries to writhe and kick with her legs, but she is pinned down.

No way out.

Cold chills sweep across her body; she shivers and silently screams to be released.

“Mililani! Mililani! Wake up honey. Please wake up!” Lani flew awake at the sound of her mother’s voice. “Oh, my baby! My dear girl!” Her mother grabbed her and held her close, repeating her litany of reassurance. Lani let her mother hug her and stroke her hair. It felt good to be safe in her arms. Finally, her mother released her tight grip and brushed Lani’s sweaty hair off her forehead.

Lani stared into her mother’s almond eyes. They were so beautiful. Green, yellow, and brown swirled together. They always reminded Lani of a lion’s eyes, so deep and rich. Lani had inherited those same eyes from her mixed Hawaiian and African heritage.

Lani looked at her mother’s hair whose curly black and silver-streaked mane was held back by a red headband. It looked as if her mom’s worn face was half-washed. Her parents had been older when they had Lani nineteen years ago. They never seemed old to her, but tonight her mother looked aged beyond her sixty-four years. Lani felt guilty that her mom had to deal with her emotional messes too.

“Honey, are you sure you’re ready to go back?” Her mom’s warm hands rubbed Lani’s back. “You could stay here and continue at the junior college.”

“I know you are worried, but I have to start living again. It has been six months and I can’t stay here forever.” Lani drew her legs up to her chest and hugged them. She was afraid of leaving too, but Dr. Scott believed she was ready to make the leap.

“You just don’t seem ready, especially when you still have such bad dreams. It’s not too late to enroll in a Christian College nearby.” Her mom’s eyes seemed hopeful, as if this time her suggestion would be taken.

Lani sighed, “Berklee is the only college with the music program I need. I already missed the Summer String Fling. Besides, they will only allow me to resume classes with scholarships intact if I return this semester.” She looked at her mother with a sigh. “More than that, I need to get back to my music. I think it will help me.”

What she said was all true, but these discussions with her mom were another reason she needed to get back to school. She couldn’t tell her that though. Not after all they had been through together.

“I just don’t like the idea of this happening again. Do you think it will be safe to go back?”

“Mom, you are not helping me here.” Lani shoved aside her covers, stood, and folded her hands across her chest. “Dr. Scott thinks it will be safer now than ever. The school secured a spot for me in a smaller all-women’s dorm and stepped up security screenings for all students. They are sure it won’t happen again.” Lani dropped her arms and walked over to her mom. Her voice softened, “I need your help to get through this. I refuse to let it ruin my future. Can you please support me?”

Her mom rose without a word and left the room. Lani’s eyes welled with tears. Her psychologist, Dr. Scott, said it was as hard on her mother as it was for her. Lani didn’t understand how that was possible, but the arguments had stopped when Lani started talking to her mom about what happened. This was the first argument they’d had in months. Lani didn’t know what to expect.

Lani went to the bathroom and ran water into a glass. She gulped it down and wiped the drops from her chin. Her mom’s head popped around the corner and Lani smiled. She always came back.

“Here honey, I don’t think I have to worry about you taking too many of these now.” Her mom held a pill bottle in her open palm. “I think you will be just fine if you can handle both your fears and mine put together. Tomorrow, I’ll tell Dr. Scott that I gave the bottle to you.” She handed the prescription sleep aids to Lani.

“Thanks,” Lani cupped the bottle in her hand and stared at them. “Maybe tomorrow will be the start of a new life.”

Her mom smiled, but it was a smile of exhaustion. Lani knew her mom would sleep better once she was gone. Her mom stroked Lani’s hair one more time and said goodnight.

Lani popped the cap off the pills and dumped one in her hand. She would be glad when she didn’t have to take these anymore to get to sleep. At least she didn’t have to wake her mom up to ask her for them anymore. Lani flipped off the light, walked to her bed, and waited for the oblivion of sleep to overtake her.