Turn, Turn, Turn Part 2

Back then I would have completely agreed with you that I was the last person that should have been having a kid. I was terrified to death that I was going to ruin my child for life. After all, how can you be a good parent when you don’t even want a child? I kept hoping for that magic moment that all my friends talked about. You know the ones in the movies when you see the little alien baby on the monitor for the first time and you look at your husband with loving eyes at the child you have created together. No, not that one? What about the time you look at your growing belly, feel the life growing inside you and love springs up before they ever arrive. No, not that one either? Then how about the time they kick out your insides when you are watching a TV show they don’t approve of until it feels like you are being disemboweled? Hmmm…ok. What about the fully rendered 4D video and sound quality movie set to music you pay over $200 dollars for so you can see your child’s face and hands in perfect detail? Phew…that one sparked an emotion? Me too!

Anyway, where was I? A yes, I was talking about my complete lack of qualifications for parenting or writing about being a parent. I had been bawling on and off for 9 months before my son was born, trying everything possible to spark a sense of joy about our coming arrival, but all I could think about was how bad a mother I was going to be, if I would ever be able to love my child and how I was doomed to ruin his life forever. My dad later said that he knew I would be a wonderful mother because I was so maternal toward animals. I am glad he believed in me because besides him and three other people, I don’t know another person who honestly believed I was qualified either. Even if they did believe in my parenting abilities, I think they were with me about being supremely scared and worried about how it was going to all turn out.

Even when I brought my son home from the hospital for the first time, I cried. I can’t tell you the havoc that did to my thoughts about being a bad mother. After 5 painful days in the hospital with minor complications from the c-section, I was sent home. Wouldn’t you know my son decided to complicate my emotional life more by refusing to breastfeed despite six highly qualified lactation consultants helping me! My husband brought all our gear downstairs because I couldn’t navigate the stairs yet. All the while, I was sitting on the couch holding my son bawling like a baby. I looked up at him with my tear-drenched face and said, “What do we do with him now?” My husband burst out laughing, but I was serious. I hadn’t the first clue about what to do and with no mom around to help, I was utterly defeated. My worst fear had come true. I was already a bad mother and I hadn’t even been home 5 minutes yet.

Not knowing what to do I mimicked the behavior of all things motherly from every source I could get my hands on whether it was church, other parents, my sisters, relatives, friends, books, seminars or magazines. I tried them all. I knew that one of them was bound to work. Until I felt the feelings, I was faithful to at least do the things that I should do to support my child physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t realize that all the time and energy I was spending with my son trying to be the perfect mom was building a relationship with him. Before I knew it I had been transformed.

Now almost 6 years after that first pregnancy test, I can see God’s hand in my life all through my pregnancy and child raising. It often amazes me how God carried me through, provided support, brought healing and most importantly gave me an unshakeable love for my children. My sister commented after I had my son, how my attitude changed towards all children. Before I cringed and was outright hostile towards kids, but afterward my heart was so softened towards parents and children. Every baby was beautiful and every mom was in need of tremendous emotional support. I can only explain this change in the light of God’s mercy. Although I was fiercely protective of my son at first, I didn’t have those instant feelings of love, bonding and affection for him. Initially, my main motivator was to "not fail" and "to be a good mom", whatever that meant. I won’t tell you the actual time it took for me to lay aside those fears of becoming a bad mother, because the process may seem too long to you. However, God and I were working furiously on the problem (and I knew it was a problem).

What had been a mistake on our end had never been a mistake on God’s end. He had planned and purposed the birth of my son before the world began. I learned that the God who did that wouldn’t allow me to ruin my child’s life and more importantly would teach me how to love my children. God had a plan for my child and a plan for me through that child. Before children, I would have rarely changed something about myself that was sin. I had been holding onto my fears like a precious commodity. I allowed my fears to run my life and taint my view of children. My fears were so strong that wherever they swung, I followed, and they had me by the coat tails. There was no room for God with all the fear I held on to and so I didn’t change. I was too afraid to change. It was too painful and my fears were my children. I comforted them, cared for them and nurtured them.

After I had kids, I was supremely motivated to change and would tackle any mountain of sin in my life that needed tackling. My children were my motivation. My fear of causing them great emotional pain drove me to change. Eventually that fear turned into love. Self-preservation and love of my fear were driven out by a love for God and a love for my children. I would change for them what I would have stubbornly clung to before. I would do for my kids what I would never have done for myself and God in His infinite grace, wisdom and truth knew this about me. Can I get a Hallelujah!?

He knew that the only way He was going to get me on my knees was to give me the very challenging, out of my control fear-filled situation I dreaded. And yet, what a blessing it has been! Not only have my children blessed my family with their lives and blessed me with their love, but I have become so much more of a blessing to every single person I encounter because the light of God shines through me. What an awesome God we serve! I can’t imagine life without my fun son and my sweet daughter. What I considered to be the biggest mistake God ever made was turned into something beautiful. God is not always going to work the same in everyone’s life. My pain of having children may be your pain of not having children or losing a child. My fear of ruining my child’s life may be a fear of another color in your life, but I can assure you that God’s timing is never off and His plans are always good! He will make something beautiful, but only in His time, in His way and in His perfect plan.