I had the most horrifying experience today, so much so that at 3 in the morning I am still so revved up about it that I can’t sleep. I don’t know if I will ever get to sleep tonight even though I have already taken several sleeping remedies. It has been a long two weeks with Jaren in kindergarten and Morgan in a mommy and me preschool two days a week. My schedule was turned upside down when Jaren was mysteriously switched from the am class to the pm class. With nothing I could do about it, that meant I now had to switch Morgan’s easier one day a week preschool class to the only one available in the afternoons. She was begging me to go to school, so we are attending school twice a week for her while also spending one day a week in Jaren’s class as a helper, per the school’s requirement. To top it all off, there is homework, reading, soccer practice and games, parent orientations, back to school nights, parent teacher meetings and Morgan’s class requires we meet monthly at night.
I am also furiously creating my class curriculum for two classes I am teaching. Needless to say, I am exhausted and off my game from my schedule. I just wasn’t thinking straight and I always think straight. This week was especially trying and I was ministering to a friend who was having a difficult time. I wanted to be there for her as well. We have a few great prayer meetings together and a visit at her house today, but I was starting to get tired. I decided to run one more errand on the way home to pick up a new stroller that I ordered for Morgan.
We picked up our order and headed home. Jaren wanted to ask daddy if we could go out to eat at Jimmy’s, so we were waiting for him to come home when Jaren suggested we put the stroller together. We spent about 20 minutes assembling the stroller and then Morgan and I took it for a spin in front of the house. I parked the stroller near the strawberry bushes in the grass and we all went to look at whether there were any more strawberries for this season. After a few minutes of fiddling about with various things, I moved the stroller on the driveway and was going to take it back up with me to the house. A couple dead plants caught my eye, so I left the stroller on the driveway and went to remove them. The kids followed me, but they were too close to the edge of the road and the dog was following them. I sent them back up the driveway and bent down to pick out the last two plants.
The next moment I heard a blood curdling scream and jerked up to see Morgan in the stroller racing down the driveway. You may not know, but we have a steep driveway and a very steep road that heads down the hill and Morgan was barreling down the one heading straight for the other. I screamed her name out and ran as fast as I could, but she was going too fast. Just as she hit the end of the driveway, something flipped the stroller and she went headfirst into the pavement. I was only a second behind and grabbed her by the waist, wrenched up the stroller and ran up the driveway. As I raced up the driveway, I didn’t even look to see the damage.
I must have tossed the stroller in the garage and yelled for Jaren to get inside with the dog as I rushed inside. Morgan was still screaming and my heart was pounding. “What had I done?!”
This is the moment I have been dreading and now I have allowed one of my children to possibly irreparably hurt them self. I sat her on the kitchen sink and began to wipe away the blood. It was the most awful moment of parenting I have ever experienced. My child is hurt and I hadn’t been prepared enough to stop it, smart enough to prevent it or fast enough to halt it. Luckily, Mike came home right then and Cori-Mom and dad were able to walk me through what had to be done. It looked much worse that it was, but I can’t stop thinking about whether she has a brain trauma, fractured nose or skull or something worse. We are monitoring and doing everything right, but my thoughts condemn me. What if?
What if I hadn’t needed to do one more thing? What if I had just put the brakes on just in case when I thought about it for a split second? What if I had been able to run faster? What if I had been able to just grab the handle? This is not a new fear that began with the birth of my children, but it is born from an old fear that has remained from my mother’s death, which is the biggest what if of all. What if it happens again? I know when my racing and anxious thoughts are beginning to rule me, but what if my greatest fear of losing my child, husband or family member ever happens? What if? The reality is that there is no guarantee that God wouldn’t decide to remove his hand of protection to allow something to happen to someone I love. This is not an irrational fear and no truth from the Word can combat this right? It could absolutely happen, so what if?
I have been writing lessons for a class I am teaching called Pathways to Emotional Freedom. I had all these tools fresh in my brain about taking your thoughts captive, praying against the spirits of fear and dealing with past hurts, so I changed my “What ifs”. What if she hadn’t fallen and had continued to careen into the street or down the even steeper hill? What if she had slammed into something going at a much faster speed? What if a car had been coming down the road at that same time? What if I hadn’t been able to get to her as fast I did because I was further up the driveway instead of at the bottom? What if it had been worse?
Lamentations 3:21-23 says, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Notice the first part of the verse. The author recalls to mind something positive about the Lord and that recollection changes his thoughts and ultimately changes his heart. The author’s circumstances have not changed, the possibilities and what if’s are still there, but now there is a God big enough to handle them. Verse 32 says, “But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving-kindness and tender mercy.”
Where there was pain, now there is hope. In Hebrews 11:1, hope is described as a product of faith. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Fear is the exact opposite. It is the substance of things “not hoped for”, the evidence of things not seen. The author of Lamentations could have continued to dwell on the negative, but he remembers that the Lord has mercy on us and therefore has hope. This hope is one that is set on the ONE who is in control. I have no control over anything except my ability to have faith in God. It is a focus on His character that brings hope that even when He allows grief to happen he is still working within His character of compassion, loving-kindness and tender mercy. What may hurt me, will not harm me if I allow Him to have it and works something good into the pain.
This faith is irrational because it trusts and believes anyway or in spite of pain, loss and tragedy. This is true faith, a faith that transcends fear. It hopes in things that are unseen even when there is something rational to fear. It is a faith based on God’s character not the circumstances of the world. The only what if that should really scare me, is what if I don’t have that faith when I need really need it. Mercy me…what if?
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The Not so Lazy River Part 2
When I chose to become a Christ follower, I hopped in the river with little or no preparation, planning, or knowledge of what lay ahead. I just expected that someone else who had traveled the road before me would help lead the way. I packed up my bible, laid it on my night stand and attended church with little regard to the change it would require me to make. For a while, life was fine and I floated along quite peacefully. Then I started to hit lower waters and my inadequate faith, poor relationship with the God and sin started to trip me up. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get myself out. The Christian life is anything but a lazy river adventure. After we become Christians, we can’t expect that we can just jump in the river and not encounter things that life throws at us. What we can expect is that Christ has given us the wisdom, power and help we need to overcome these hurdles. The catch is that we have to utilize the things He has given us BEFORE we encounter trouble.
The entire chapter of Hebrews 12 is a study in the fervency in which I should pursue my faith. Hebrews 12:1b starts by saying, “… let us also lay side every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…” Just as there were preparations I should have made for my river trip, there are preparations I need to make in my Christian walk. One of the preparations I can make is to let go of the things that are going to get me caught up as I travel along. Sin not only slows me down, but it can hold me back. Thankfully, God does not require us to have all our sins taken care of before we become his children, and there will always be more sin to remove as we travel the Christian life. However, bitterness, preferring the delights of the flesh and refusing to listen to the Holy Spirit are essential hindrances we need to get rid of first. They can keep us from even getting started in the first place.
Throughout the chapter, the author also describes things that trip us up. These are things that could cause me to slip and fall if my feet weren’t properly prepared (like being stranded in the river without proper footwear). Eph 6:15 says to, “shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace.” Any hiker, soldier or runner knows that without proper footwear it is impossible to finish the race. Our proper footwear is to be prepared with the gospel of peace. One commentary suggests that it is the, “patient investigation, calm inquiry, assiduous, laborious, lasting; or with firm footing in the gospel of peace.” In other words, we should know the word of God. If we were armed with the knowledge of the gospel, discouragement, weariness, hostility of others toward the faithful, the discipline of the Lord and burdens of afflictions would not trip us up. We would know their place in our walk and be able to grip tightly to His truth. The commentary concludes by saying, “like the boots worn by soldiers, [the gospel] would bear them safe through many obstructions and trials that might be opposed to them, as a soldier might encounter sharp-pointed thorns that would oppose his progress.” I certainly learned that lesson not only in the river and discovered the value of being properly shod.
Then verse 12 says, “Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,.” This is an interesting passage and I had to do a little research to discover its meaning. One commentary said that the words are an address to persons almost worn out with sickness and fatigue, whose hands hang down, whose knees shake, and who are totally discouraged. These are exhorted to exert themselves, and take courage, with the assurance that they shall infallibly conquer if they persevere. During the course of our river adventure, my sisters and I were constantly encouraging one another to continue on, calling back where the safe paths were to travel and waiting until we had all caught up. At the end when only one of us was left, she alone soldiered on. Our faithful sister worried so much that she didn’t even notice the wounds she received on the way. Sometimes in our walk we need to just take courage and keep moving.
Verses 13 says, “and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. “ That is, take the straight path that is before you, do not go in crooked or rough ways, where are stones, briers, and thorns, by which you will be inevitably lamed, and so totally prevented from proceeding in the way; whereas, if you go in the even, proper path, though you have been wounded by getting into a wrong way, that which was wounded will be healed by moderate, equal exercise, all impediments being removed. We certainly had taken the wrong path in our adventure when we tried to exit the river and without proper footwear, I did encounter thorns that made me unable to continue. Had we kept on the river, we would have discovered we only had to walk a few hundred feet or more to the end.
Finally, verse 15 says, “looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;” Thankfully, my sisters and I did something right on our trip. We traveled together. When we travel together with other believers, we help pull each other along and watch out for trouble.
The Christian walk is an adventure, but it shouldn’t be all rock and no river. If we are properly prepared in our relationship with God, we can withstand anything the river throws at us.
The entire chapter of Hebrews 12 is a study in the fervency in which I should pursue my faith. Hebrews 12:1b starts by saying, “… let us also lay side every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…” Just as there were preparations I should have made for my river trip, there are preparations I need to make in my Christian walk. One of the preparations I can make is to let go of the things that are going to get me caught up as I travel along. Sin not only slows me down, but it can hold me back. Thankfully, God does not require us to have all our sins taken care of before we become his children, and there will always be more sin to remove as we travel the Christian life. However, bitterness, preferring the delights of the flesh and refusing to listen to the Holy Spirit are essential hindrances we need to get rid of first. They can keep us from even getting started in the first place.
Throughout the chapter, the author also describes things that trip us up. These are things that could cause me to slip and fall if my feet weren’t properly prepared (like being stranded in the river without proper footwear). Eph 6:15 says to, “shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace.” Any hiker, soldier or runner knows that without proper footwear it is impossible to finish the race. Our proper footwear is to be prepared with the gospel of peace. One commentary suggests that it is the, “patient investigation, calm inquiry, assiduous, laborious, lasting; or with firm footing in the gospel of peace.” In other words, we should know the word of God. If we were armed with the knowledge of the gospel, discouragement, weariness, hostility of others toward the faithful, the discipline of the Lord and burdens of afflictions would not trip us up. We would know their place in our walk and be able to grip tightly to His truth. The commentary concludes by saying, “like the boots worn by soldiers, [the gospel] would bear them safe through many obstructions and trials that might be opposed to them, as a soldier might encounter sharp-pointed thorns that would oppose his progress.” I certainly learned that lesson not only in the river and discovered the value of being properly shod.
Then verse 12 says, “Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,.” This is an interesting passage and I had to do a little research to discover its meaning. One commentary said that the words are an address to persons almost worn out with sickness and fatigue, whose hands hang down, whose knees shake, and who are totally discouraged. These are exhorted to exert themselves, and take courage, with the assurance that they shall infallibly conquer if they persevere. During the course of our river adventure, my sisters and I were constantly encouraging one another to continue on, calling back where the safe paths were to travel and waiting until we had all caught up. At the end when only one of us was left, she alone soldiered on. Our faithful sister worried so much that she didn’t even notice the wounds she received on the way. Sometimes in our walk we need to just take courage and keep moving.
Verses 13 says, “and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. “ That is, take the straight path that is before you, do not go in crooked or rough ways, where are stones, briers, and thorns, by which you will be inevitably lamed, and so totally prevented from proceeding in the way; whereas, if you go in the even, proper path, though you have been wounded by getting into a wrong way, that which was wounded will be healed by moderate, equal exercise, all impediments being removed. We certainly had taken the wrong path in our adventure when we tried to exit the river and without proper footwear, I did encounter thorns that made me unable to continue. Had we kept on the river, we would have discovered we only had to walk a few hundred feet or more to the end.
Finally, verse 15 says, “looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;” Thankfully, my sisters and I did something right on our trip. We traveled together. When we travel together with other believers, we help pull each other along and watch out for trouble.
The Christian walk is an adventure, but it shouldn’t be all rock and no river. If we are properly prepared in our relationship with God, we can withstand anything the river throws at us.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Not so Lazy River Part 1
It was a sister weekend with four women who hadn’t all been together in over a year. I must warn you that us sisters get a little crazy when we are together. On this occasion we were in Portland and decided that a day on the river sounded just the thing for a sister weekend in July. So we headed out to a tributary of the Columbia River, loaded up our food in a cooler to float alongside and headed downstream. However, we were not prepared for what awaited us. You may be thinking, “Oh no, they hit rapids.” No, that would be a cool adventure. What we encountered was terrible….duh, duh, duh… planning. We wore completely inappropriate footwear, didn’t plan for how we were going to get back to our car, how long it would take to get down the river and had the most awful floating devices for this type of river.
As we floated down the river, we were fine for a while, but the season’s low water flow had rendered the previously full river a little on the low side. It wasn’t long before our bottoms were dragging in the sand while we clung to the floaties that were being wrenched from our hands by the lower, but faster moving water. As we tried to stand up and navigate the river’s alternating sandy and slippery rocks, in flip flops of all things, you could hear four grown gals screeching and yelling over one another in an attempt to help each other while simultaneously trying to help ourselves. If we had been prepared, we could have walked back up to the car at the first sign of trouble, but we didn’t know how far down the river we were. As there were several people who had gone on before us, we were hoping one of them could give us a ride, so we decided to try and get down the river faster to catch up with them.
As we went along, it seemed to get better for a time and then we hit a long patch of low water. The water was moving fast, we were slipping all over the place and our lazy river trip was slowly going downhill. We couldn’t decide what to do next because as far as the eye could see downstream, the way was rocky. What we did see in our immediate view was what looked like a small incline that led up a bank to the road. This was mistake number two. Our flip flops were woefully wet and traction free, so on our way up the incline we were slipping and sliding, gear in hand up the sandy bank. Halfway up, we looked around and noticed we were near a blackberry bush full to the brim with blackberries. We happily munched on our find, glad to take a break until I made the clever decision to take off my flip flops to get better traction up the hill. Not living in Portland, I didn’t realize that blackberry bushes have thorns and that those thorns fall off and get covered by sandy slope as four girls in flip flops try to haul themselves up the hill. I dug my foot into the sand and boy did I get something to grip. Yes, for my trouble, I received several large thorns imbedded in my right foot.
We could have turned around and went back down the river before this point, but now I was bleeding and could barely walk. My youngest sister had also twisted her ankle the day before and was unable to walk down the river, so we kept heading up. Finally at the top of the embankment, we noticed a large, “No Trespassing” sign tacked to a tree. We had climbed the cliff only to land ourselves in someone’s private backyard. I am not a particularly brave person, so the thought of being trapped in Portland where there could be crazy people with guns didn’t appeal to me. We skirted around the edge of the gated property looking for a way out. Luckily, the owners either didn’t see us or opened the gate to set us vermin free.
We had made it to “freedom” on the side of the road. We still didn’t know how far a walk it would be back to the car and two of us were out of commission. Sister number one and sister number three bravely decided they were fit enough to make the two mile walk back to the car. Both are amazingly strong and know a bit of self defense, so they felt prepared to walk back to the car in flip flops and bathing suits, while sister number four and I sat on the side of the small road in our bathing suits with all the gear. What happened next was relayed to me by sister number three who only made it one mile to the car before her weird flip flops made her unable to walk anymore. She was left on the side of the road to wait while my oldest sister bravely soldiered on.
Sister number one was the last one standing, but she was starting to worry about the rest of us littering the side of the road in only our bathing suits. So she decided to jog the rest of the way in flip flops and a bathing suit. She was so worried in fact, that she didn’t notice that her feet were rubbed raw by her flip flops and were bleeding as well. She said her only thought was, “I have to save my sisters!” That should tell you a little something about her personality. She finally did make it back and picked up the rest of us along the way and now we have this incredible story to tell you about our lazy river adventure.
What I learned about this adventure taught me a little something about life…the Christian life to be more precise. I wonder how often I complained about the troubles I encountered in my walk with Christ that were direct results of my own actions. In the past, I know I complained A LOT. When I look back during those times, it often resembles my not so lazy river adventure.
Stay tuned for part 2....
As we floated down the river, we were fine for a while, but the season’s low water flow had rendered the previously full river a little on the low side. It wasn’t long before our bottoms were dragging in the sand while we clung to the floaties that were being wrenched from our hands by the lower, but faster moving water. As we tried to stand up and navigate the river’s alternating sandy and slippery rocks, in flip flops of all things, you could hear four grown gals screeching and yelling over one another in an attempt to help each other while simultaneously trying to help ourselves. If we had been prepared, we could have walked back up to the car at the first sign of trouble, but we didn’t know how far down the river we were. As there were several people who had gone on before us, we were hoping one of them could give us a ride, so we decided to try and get down the river faster to catch up with them.
As we went along, it seemed to get better for a time and then we hit a long patch of low water. The water was moving fast, we were slipping all over the place and our lazy river trip was slowly going downhill. We couldn’t decide what to do next because as far as the eye could see downstream, the way was rocky. What we did see in our immediate view was what looked like a small incline that led up a bank to the road. This was mistake number two. Our flip flops were woefully wet and traction free, so on our way up the incline we were slipping and sliding, gear in hand up the sandy bank. Halfway up, we looked around and noticed we were near a blackberry bush full to the brim with blackberries. We happily munched on our find, glad to take a break until I made the clever decision to take off my flip flops to get better traction up the hill. Not living in Portland, I didn’t realize that blackberry bushes have thorns and that those thorns fall off and get covered by sandy slope as four girls in flip flops try to haul themselves up the hill. I dug my foot into the sand and boy did I get something to grip. Yes, for my trouble, I received several large thorns imbedded in my right foot.
We could have turned around and went back down the river before this point, but now I was bleeding and could barely walk. My youngest sister had also twisted her ankle the day before and was unable to walk down the river, so we kept heading up. Finally at the top of the embankment, we noticed a large, “No Trespassing” sign tacked to a tree. We had climbed the cliff only to land ourselves in someone’s private backyard. I am not a particularly brave person, so the thought of being trapped in Portland where there could be crazy people with guns didn’t appeal to me. We skirted around the edge of the gated property looking for a way out. Luckily, the owners either didn’t see us or opened the gate to set us vermin free.
We had made it to “freedom” on the side of the road. We still didn’t know how far a walk it would be back to the car and two of us were out of commission. Sister number one and sister number three bravely decided they were fit enough to make the two mile walk back to the car. Both are amazingly strong and know a bit of self defense, so they felt prepared to walk back to the car in flip flops and bathing suits, while sister number four and I sat on the side of the small road in our bathing suits with all the gear. What happened next was relayed to me by sister number three who only made it one mile to the car before her weird flip flops made her unable to walk anymore. She was left on the side of the road to wait while my oldest sister bravely soldiered on.
Sister number one was the last one standing, but she was starting to worry about the rest of us littering the side of the road in only our bathing suits. So she decided to jog the rest of the way in flip flops and a bathing suit. She was so worried in fact, that she didn’t notice that her feet were rubbed raw by her flip flops and were bleeding as well. She said her only thought was, “I have to save my sisters!” That should tell you a little something about her personality. She finally did make it back and picked up the rest of us along the way and now we have this incredible story to tell you about our lazy river adventure.
What I learned about this adventure taught me a little something about life…the Christian life to be more precise. I wonder how often I complained about the troubles I encountered in my walk with Christ that were direct results of my own actions. In the past, I know I complained A LOT. When I look back during those times, it often resembles my not so lazy river adventure.
Stay tuned for part 2....
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Writing Opportunity
OK, so all my previous posts have been writings that had been sitting around for a while. I have been rewriting and editing the roughs I scratched out and have been slowly posting them. A month or so ago, I met with my pastor's wife about the desire to develop my writing and teaching talents. I asked her to mentor me into a leadership position fully expecting her to say, "Let's first start by setting up some chairs" or other small ministry. What she actually said was, "You don't need to be mentored, we just need to start your own ministry and you can learn as you go."
After I picked myself off the floor, I was equally excited and nauseous at the same time. After a year praying about what God wanted me to do with these talents, I didn't know if I was ready to just jump right in. Well, I had opened the door and ask God to reveal what he wanted me to do and He did, so I kept going. We discussed the different needs of the church, created a survey at a women's event and prayed about God's leading.
Over the next couple of weeks, God confirmed the same theme in conversations with friends, family, leadership and random people. Everyone was saying the same thing....people need help with emotional struggles. This is interesting because that has been the running theme of my personal and spiritual growth. Once we made the decision, the words started flowing. It is awesome to see God providing direction and bringing the right words together.
So, starting the first of October I will be teaching a class I call "Pathways to Emotional Wholeness." (if you have a better name, I would be happy to consider it). So for a while, I will be busily researching and writing the material for the class instead of posting. There are many of you who may be interested in either the topic or what God is doing with my writing. Starting in October, I will be posting my materials. If you want, you could follow along with the class and even complete the weekly homework.
I hope you will consider joining the class online and thank you all for reading my blogs so far. I find it awesome how God answers prayer as soon as we decide to get moving in the right direction.
Here are the topics for each week:
1. Week One - Past Things First: A Biblical Perspective on Counseling
2. Week Two - The Mind Body Connection: How your thoughts affect your emotions and how your emotions affect your body
3. Week Three - Boundaries: Drawing appropriate emotional lines
4. Week Four - “Know Thyself”: Understanding who you were created to be
5. Week Five - Our Heavenly Parent: Understanding emotions, sin and God’s Discipline
6. Week Six - The Road to the Wound: Healing Trauma with Truth
7. Week Seven - This Present Darkness: Preparing for the battle around us
8. Week Eight - Fighting the good fight: Using our tools and the attributes of emotional health
I hope to see you here!
Farah
After I picked myself off the floor, I was equally excited and nauseous at the same time. After a year praying about what God wanted me to do with these talents, I didn't know if I was ready to just jump right in. Well, I had opened the door and ask God to reveal what he wanted me to do and He did, so I kept going. We discussed the different needs of the church, created a survey at a women's event and prayed about God's leading.
Over the next couple of weeks, God confirmed the same theme in conversations with friends, family, leadership and random people. Everyone was saying the same thing....people need help with emotional struggles. This is interesting because that has been the running theme of my personal and spiritual growth. Once we made the decision, the words started flowing. It is awesome to see God providing direction and bringing the right words together.
So, starting the first of October I will be teaching a class I call "Pathways to Emotional Wholeness." (if you have a better name, I would be happy to consider it). So for a while, I will be busily researching and writing the material for the class instead of posting. There are many of you who may be interested in either the topic or what God is doing with my writing. Starting in October, I will be posting my materials. If you want, you could follow along with the class and even complete the weekly homework.
I hope you will consider joining the class online and thank you all for reading my blogs so far. I find it awesome how God answers prayer as soon as we decide to get moving in the right direction.
Here are the topics for each week:
1. Week One - Past Things First: A Biblical Perspective on Counseling
2. Week Two - The Mind Body Connection: How your thoughts affect your emotions and how your emotions affect your body
3. Week Three - Boundaries: Drawing appropriate emotional lines
4. Week Four - “Know Thyself”: Understanding who you were created to be
5. Week Five - Our Heavenly Parent: Understanding emotions, sin and God’s Discipline
6. Week Six - The Road to the Wound: Healing Trauma with Truth
7. Week Seven - This Present Darkness: Preparing for the battle around us
8. Week Eight - Fighting the good fight: Using our tools and the attributes of emotional health
I hope to see you here!
Farah
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Turn, Turn, Turn Part 2
Back then I would have completely agreed with you that I was the last person that should have been having a kid. I was terrified to death that I was going to ruin my child for life. After all, how can you be a good parent when you don’t even want a child? I kept hoping for that magic moment that all my friends talked about. You know the ones in the movies when you see the little alien baby on the monitor for the first time and you look at your husband with loving eyes at the child you have created together. No, not that one? What about the time you look at your growing belly, feel the life growing inside you and love springs up before they ever arrive. No, not that one either? Then how about the time they kick out your insides when you are watching a TV show they don’t approve of until it feels like you are being disemboweled? Hmmm…ok. What about the fully rendered 4D video and sound quality movie set to music you pay over $200 dollars for so you can see your child’s face and hands in perfect detail? Phew…that one sparked an emotion? Me too!
Anyway, where was I? A yes, I was talking about my complete lack of qualifications for parenting or writing about being a parent. I had been bawling on and off for 9 months before my son was born, trying everything possible to spark a sense of joy about our coming arrival, but all I could think about was how bad a mother I was going to be, if I would ever be able to love my child and how I was doomed to ruin his life forever. My dad later said that he knew I would be a wonderful mother because I was so maternal toward animals. I am glad he believed in me because besides him and three other people, I don’t know another person who honestly believed I was qualified either. Even if they did believe in my parenting abilities, I think they were with me about being supremely scared and worried about how it was going to all turn out.
Even when I brought my son home from the hospital for the first time, I cried. I can’t tell you the havoc that did to my thoughts about being a bad mother. After 5 painful days in the hospital with minor complications from the c-section, I was sent home. Wouldn’t you know my son decided to complicate my emotional life more by refusing to breastfeed despite six highly qualified lactation consultants helping me! My husband brought all our gear downstairs because I couldn’t navigate the stairs yet. All the while, I was sitting on the couch holding my son bawling like a baby. I looked up at him with my tear-drenched face and said, “What do we do with him now?” My husband burst out laughing, but I was serious. I hadn’t the first clue about what to do and with no mom around to help, I was utterly defeated. My worst fear had come true. I was already a bad mother and I hadn’t even been home 5 minutes yet.
Not knowing what to do I mimicked the behavior of all things motherly from every source I could get my hands on whether it was church, other parents, my sisters, relatives, friends, books, seminars or magazines. I tried them all. I knew that one of them was bound to work. Until I felt the feelings, I was faithful to at least do the things that I should do to support my child physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t realize that all the time and energy I was spending with my son trying to be the perfect mom was building a relationship with him. Before I knew it I had been transformed.
Now almost 6 years after that first pregnancy test, I can see God’s hand in my life all through my pregnancy and child raising. It often amazes me how God carried me through, provided support, brought healing and most importantly gave me an unshakeable love for my children. My sister commented after I had my son, how my attitude changed towards all children. Before I cringed and was outright hostile towards kids, but afterward my heart was so softened towards parents and children. Every baby was beautiful and every mom was in need of tremendous emotional support. I can only explain this change in the light of God’s mercy. Although I was fiercely protective of my son at first, I didn’t have those instant feelings of love, bonding and affection for him. Initially, my main motivator was to "not fail" and "to be a good mom", whatever that meant. I won’t tell you the actual time it took for me to lay aside those fears of becoming a bad mother, because the process may seem too long to you. However, God and I were working furiously on the problem (and I knew it was a problem).
What had been a mistake on our end had never been a mistake on God’s end. He had planned and purposed the birth of my son before the world began. I learned that the God who did that wouldn’t allow me to ruin my child’s life and more importantly would teach me how to love my children. God had a plan for my child and a plan for me through that child. Before children, I would have rarely changed something about myself that was sin. I had been holding onto my fears like a precious commodity. I allowed my fears to run my life and taint my view of children. My fears were so strong that wherever they swung, I followed, and they had me by the coat tails. There was no room for God with all the fear I held on to and so I didn’t change. I was too afraid to change. It was too painful and my fears were my children. I comforted them, cared for them and nurtured them.
After I had kids, I was supremely motivated to change and would tackle any mountain of sin in my life that needed tackling. My children were my motivation. My fear of causing them great emotional pain drove me to change. Eventually that fear turned into love. Self-preservation and love of my fear were driven out by a love for God and a love for my children. I would change for them what I would have stubbornly clung to before. I would do for my kids what I would never have done for myself and God in His infinite grace, wisdom and truth knew this about me. Can I get a Hallelujah!?
He knew that the only way He was going to get me on my knees was to give me the very challenging, out of my control fear-filled situation I dreaded. And yet, what a blessing it has been! Not only have my children blessed my family with their lives and blessed me with their love, but I have become so much more of a blessing to every single person I encounter because the light of God shines through me. What an awesome God we serve! I can’t imagine life without my fun son and my sweet daughter. What I considered to be the biggest mistake God ever made was turned into something beautiful. God is not always going to work the same in everyone’s life. My pain of having children may be your pain of not having children or losing a child. My fear of ruining my child’s life may be a fear of another color in your life, but I can assure you that God’s timing is never off and His plans are always good! He will make something beautiful, but only in His time, in His way and in His perfect plan.
Anyway, where was I? A yes, I was talking about my complete lack of qualifications for parenting or writing about being a parent. I had been bawling on and off for 9 months before my son was born, trying everything possible to spark a sense of joy about our coming arrival, but all I could think about was how bad a mother I was going to be, if I would ever be able to love my child and how I was doomed to ruin his life forever. My dad later said that he knew I would be a wonderful mother because I was so maternal toward animals. I am glad he believed in me because besides him and three other people, I don’t know another person who honestly believed I was qualified either. Even if they did believe in my parenting abilities, I think they were with me about being supremely scared and worried about how it was going to all turn out.
Even when I brought my son home from the hospital for the first time, I cried. I can’t tell you the havoc that did to my thoughts about being a bad mother. After 5 painful days in the hospital with minor complications from the c-section, I was sent home. Wouldn’t you know my son decided to complicate my emotional life more by refusing to breastfeed despite six highly qualified lactation consultants helping me! My husband brought all our gear downstairs because I couldn’t navigate the stairs yet. All the while, I was sitting on the couch holding my son bawling like a baby. I looked up at him with my tear-drenched face and said, “What do we do with him now?” My husband burst out laughing, but I was serious. I hadn’t the first clue about what to do and with no mom around to help, I was utterly defeated. My worst fear had come true. I was already a bad mother and I hadn’t even been home 5 minutes yet.
Not knowing what to do I mimicked the behavior of all things motherly from every source I could get my hands on whether it was church, other parents, my sisters, relatives, friends, books, seminars or magazines. I tried them all. I knew that one of them was bound to work. Until I felt the feelings, I was faithful to at least do the things that I should do to support my child physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t realize that all the time and energy I was spending with my son trying to be the perfect mom was building a relationship with him. Before I knew it I had been transformed.
Now almost 6 years after that first pregnancy test, I can see God’s hand in my life all through my pregnancy and child raising. It often amazes me how God carried me through, provided support, brought healing and most importantly gave me an unshakeable love for my children. My sister commented after I had my son, how my attitude changed towards all children. Before I cringed and was outright hostile towards kids, but afterward my heart was so softened towards parents and children. Every baby was beautiful and every mom was in need of tremendous emotional support. I can only explain this change in the light of God’s mercy. Although I was fiercely protective of my son at first, I didn’t have those instant feelings of love, bonding and affection for him. Initially, my main motivator was to "not fail" and "to be a good mom", whatever that meant. I won’t tell you the actual time it took for me to lay aside those fears of becoming a bad mother, because the process may seem too long to you. However, God and I were working furiously on the problem (and I knew it was a problem).
What had been a mistake on our end had never been a mistake on God’s end. He had planned and purposed the birth of my son before the world began. I learned that the God who did that wouldn’t allow me to ruin my child’s life and more importantly would teach me how to love my children. God had a plan for my child and a plan for me through that child. Before children, I would have rarely changed something about myself that was sin. I had been holding onto my fears like a precious commodity. I allowed my fears to run my life and taint my view of children. My fears were so strong that wherever they swung, I followed, and they had me by the coat tails. There was no room for God with all the fear I held on to and so I didn’t change. I was too afraid to change. It was too painful and my fears were my children. I comforted them, cared for them and nurtured them.
After I had kids, I was supremely motivated to change and would tackle any mountain of sin in my life that needed tackling. My children were my motivation. My fear of causing them great emotional pain drove me to change. Eventually that fear turned into love. Self-preservation and love of my fear were driven out by a love for God and a love for my children. I would change for them what I would have stubbornly clung to before. I would do for my kids what I would never have done for myself and God in His infinite grace, wisdom and truth knew this about me. Can I get a Hallelujah!?
He knew that the only way He was going to get me on my knees was to give me the very challenging, out of my control fear-filled situation I dreaded. And yet, what a blessing it has been! Not only have my children blessed my family with their lives and blessed me with their love, but I have become so much more of a blessing to every single person I encounter because the light of God shines through me. What an awesome God we serve! I can’t imagine life without my fun son and my sweet daughter. What I considered to be the biggest mistake God ever made was turned into something beautiful. God is not always going to work the same in everyone’s life. My pain of having children may be your pain of not having children or losing a child. My fear of ruining my child’s life may be a fear of another color in your life, but I can assure you that God’s timing is never off and His plans are always good! He will make something beautiful, but only in His time, in His way and in His perfect plan.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Turn, Turn, Turn Part 1
(Hang tight with me to the end on this one. Part two to come...)
Ecclesiastes 3:11 “God gave us the ability to think about his world. But we can never completely understand everything God does. And yet, God does everything at just the right time.” The Amplified Version of this verse says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “I say this because I know the plans that I have for you." This message is from the Lord. "I have good plans for you. I don't plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future.”
I never intended to have children….EVER! Throughout my life, my dad often told me that I was born thirty and it showed when it came to kids. The older I got, the more I found childish antics irritating. I grew up with three sisters, of whom, I was the second child but was as responsible as a first child. My mother ran a daycare until I was in 6th grade and often 10 other children graced our home. Back in the early 80’s when childcare laws in the Midwest were much more lax and you could legally spank daycare children, which maybe made it much easier to watch 14 children. Although my mom was very organized it was still chaotic in a kid sort of way. My mother also took in a cousin starting at age two and she lived with us on and off throughout her life. Later during high school, our little neighbor practically lived with my younger sisters as they played together so often at our house. Then my oldest sister decided to “adopt” a teen in crisis and we were all enlisted into the drama of helping this wayward girl.
Then there were countless hours spent assisting in various children’s ministries at church when there weren’t enough volunteers. Let’s see, there was endless nursery duty, the toddler room, children’s church, high school leadership team and a two year stint as the junior high director where I lead a team of volunteers, taught two days a week and attended all functions. Let’s not go into the babysitting days which started as early as 10 when I would watch our neighbor kids while their mom went to the grocery store. As a parent now, I can’t imagine allowing a 10 year old to watch my children, so I was either responsible or they were nuts. Then I spent every day for a month or so babysitting a family friend’s two week old baby. Oh, I almost forgot about my summer fling filling in for a preschool aid at my church preschool. I think that covers everything imaginable right? Well, everything except pregnancy, but after my mom’s chats with countless friends who graced our home with their pregnancy woes that illusion was shattered as well.
I had probably more than 10 years of childcare or child work experience before I ever got married and I was very tired of watching kids. There were a lot more reasons behind this, but it started out as a complete desire NOT to watch kids ever again. I had never been much of a kid and spending so much of my childhood caring for other people’s children gave me a real inside look. Have you ever been to a magic show and had the secret to the spectacular trick revealed, or seen your favorite star without her makeup and flaws airbrushed out. These Wizard of Oz moments where you get a glimpse at the man behind the curtain really deflate all the magic, mystery and glitter. You almost need that bubble around you before you have kids or you would have been just like me and declared on your wedding day that you “will not allow children to be present at your wedding or the rehearsal because they ruin everything”. Then afterward you would tell your husband you “really don’t care to have children”, while deep down inside you are sitting down with arms folded ready to put a chastity belt on until he agrees that having children is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.
Let me be very clear that I had absolutely no illusions as to how much work raising a child would be. I knew what happened during every stage of parenting and had “been there, done that” many times over or so I thought. I was not eager to do that again, EVER. At times, I was downright hostile towards parents and their “little demon spawn.” I may have tolerably fooled people with my sarcastic remarks, but I wasn’t kidding. I was almost venomous about children and didn’t want to be anywhere within a hundred yards of the “creatures.”
Of course, when I got married and declared my utter lack of interest in all things children, my family blew me off and laughed. Maybe they didn’t understand the intensity of my “no children EVER” policy. Then friends would tell me “other people’s children are so much different than your own.” I would scoff inside as they moved blissfully unaware into pregnancy. Then I would laugh to myself when they started to complain about how much harder it was than they thought and how they were so tired all the time and how they never got to do anything anymore…..whine, whine, whine. I laughed because I had warned them and they never listened. What could I know? I didn’t have kids, right?
At age 24, my husband and I were two months away from convincing our doctor that we in fact did not want children EVER, when the unthinkable occurred. I got pregnant. And if I told you the juvenile way we got pregnant you would laugh your head off. Folks and I am not naming names here, but let’s just say that after the first time all the swimmy guys are NOT all gone when the second time rolls around. Ok, laugh, get it out...and then let’s move on. I knew it had happened before I even got in the shower and as we used to say in the Midwest I was hoppin’ mad. Six weeks and four pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I cried like a baby for the whole 9 months and then some.
Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS WOMAN WRITING ABOUT THIS FOR?” Just hold on, there is a happy ending! I just need to you to understand to depths of my insanity first. I know, I know... I was awful.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 “God gave us the ability to think about his world. But we can never completely understand everything God does. And yet, God does everything at just the right time.” The Amplified Version of this verse says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “I say this because I know the plans that I have for you." This message is from the Lord. "I have good plans for you. I don't plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future.”
I never intended to have children….EVER! Throughout my life, my dad often told me that I was born thirty and it showed when it came to kids. The older I got, the more I found childish antics irritating. I grew up with three sisters, of whom, I was the second child but was as responsible as a first child. My mother ran a daycare until I was in 6th grade and often 10 other children graced our home. Back in the early 80’s when childcare laws in the Midwest were much more lax and you could legally spank daycare children, which maybe made it much easier to watch 14 children. Although my mom was very organized it was still chaotic in a kid sort of way. My mother also took in a cousin starting at age two and she lived with us on and off throughout her life. Later during high school, our little neighbor practically lived with my younger sisters as they played together so often at our house. Then my oldest sister decided to “adopt” a teen in crisis and we were all enlisted into the drama of helping this wayward girl.
Then there were countless hours spent assisting in various children’s ministries at church when there weren’t enough volunteers. Let’s see, there was endless nursery duty, the toddler room, children’s church, high school leadership team and a two year stint as the junior high director where I lead a team of volunteers, taught two days a week and attended all functions. Let’s not go into the babysitting days which started as early as 10 when I would watch our neighbor kids while their mom went to the grocery store. As a parent now, I can’t imagine allowing a 10 year old to watch my children, so I was either responsible or they were nuts. Then I spent every day for a month or so babysitting a family friend’s two week old baby. Oh, I almost forgot about my summer fling filling in for a preschool aid at my church preschool. I think that covers everything imaginable right? Well, everything except pregnancy, but after my mom’s chats with countless friends who graced our home with their pregnancy woes that illusion was shattered as well.
I had probably more than 10 years of childcare or child work experience before I ever got married and I was very tired of watching kids. There were a lot more reasons behind this, but it started out as a complete desire NOT to watch kids ever again. I had never been much of a kid and spending so much of my childhood caring for other people’s children gave me a real inside look. Have you ever been to a magic show and had the secret to the spectacular trick revealed, or seen your favorite star without her makeup and flaws airbrushed out. These Wizard of Oz moments where you get a glimpse at the man behind the curtain really deflate all the magic, mystery and glitter. You almost need that bubble around you before you have kids or you would have been just like me and declared on your wedding day that you “will not allow children to be present at your wedding or the rehearsal because they ruin everything”. Then afterward you would tell your husband you “really don’t care to have children”, while deep down inside you are sitting down with arms folded ready to put a chastity belt on until he agrees that having children is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.
Let me be very clear that I had absolutely no illusions as to how much work raising a child would be. I knew what happened during every stage of parenting and had “been there, done that” many times over or so I thought. I was not eager to do that again, EVER. At times, I was downright hostile towards parents and their “little demon spawn.” I may have tolerably fooled people with my sarcastic remarks, but I wasn’t kidding. I was almost venomous about children and didn’t want to be anywhere within a hundred yards of the “creatures.”
Of course, when I got married and declared my utter lack of interest in all things children, my family blew me off and laughed. Maybe they didn’t understand the intensity of my “no children EVER” policy. Then friends would tell me “other people’s children are so much different than your own.” I would scoff inside as they moved blissfully unaware into pregnancy. Then I would laugh to myself when they started to complain about how much harder it was than they thought and how they were so tired all the time and how they never got to do anything anymore…..whine, whine, whine. I laughed because I had warned them and they never listened. What could I know? I didn’t have kids, right?
At age 24, my husband and I were two months away from convincing our doctor that we in fact did not want children EVER, when the unthinkable occurred. I got pregnant. And if I told you the juvenile way we got pregnant you would laugh your head off. Folks and I am not naming names here, but let’s just say that after the first time all the swimmy guys are NOT all gone when the second time rolls around. Ok, laugh, get it out...and then let’s move on. I knew it had happened before I even got in the shower and as we used to say in the Midwest I was hoppin’ mad. Six weeks and four pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I cried like a baby for the whole 9 months and then some.
Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS WOMAN WRITING ABOUT THIS FOR?” Just hold on, there is a happy ending! I just need to you to understand to depths of my insanity first. I know, I know... I was awful.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Things from the Deep
Psalm 121:1-8 “I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day or the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.”
I had taken a week off, dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and flown from San Diego to Portland to visit my younger sister, Christa. My older sister, Nicole, had joined us from Spokane and we decided to hang out on the sandy edge of the Willamette River. Nicole was training for a triathlon and wanted to practice swimming in the slow moving river. Although there was nothing to be afraid of, the water below was murky, confusing and often frightening when slimy river weeds brushed up against her. She also couldn’t see as she swam. It was only when she lifted her head out of the water to take a breath that she could see in front of her.
I offered to walk ahead of her in the 3 1/2 foot water to pave the way. I ran through the water a distance ahead and cleared the water of plants or sticks that might scare her during the swim. Until I got the hang of going before her and clearing the way, we had a number of screaming incidents that probably amused the local sunbathers that day. Every so often I would get too far ahead and she couldn’t see me when she lifted her eyes up. If she couldn’t see me anymore she would completely stop for fear that she had gone off path and swam too far out. I eventually got into a rhythm and was able to walk just enough ahead that I could spot and remove offending objects but still be close enough so that she could see me every time she came up for air. As long as I did this, she was able to swim continuously and train harder than she would have been able to otherwise.
As I walked along, I thought about a few verses that describe how God does this in my life every day. Isaiah 45:2a says, “I will go before you and level the mountains [to make the crooked places straight.” Isaiah 52:12b says, “For the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” I love these verses because they describe God going before us and behind us. We are supremely protected in our walk with Christ because He has gone before us in everything we will experience. He knows what is to come and has gone before to clear the way. Equally, God is behind us protecting us from harm.
I am especially fond of Psalm 121. It is extremely comforting to know that God is not in the business of tripping us up, sleeping on the job, letting us slip, falling behind, neglecting to protect us from evil or abandoning his post. There have been many times in my life where I have forgotten to lift my eyes up from the murky waters of life I have been swimming in, but had I done so I would have found God ahead of me preparing the way. I often wonder where the help that God promises is, and I don’t remember that his help comes in many forms. Sometimes he is a shade, sometimes he protects from evil, other times he removes obstacles or stands guard. Whatever form that help does come and I can rest assured that “God is who He says He is” and “God can do what He says He can do” (Beth Moore, Believing God). We just need to believe that He is guarding our coming in and going out. He is ahead of us; we just need to lift our eyes out of the muck and swim straight for Him.
Additional Reference: Isa 43:15-21
I had taken a week off, dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and flown from San Diego to Portland to visit my younger sister, Christa. My older sister, Nicole, had joined us from Spokane and we decided to hang out on the sandy edge of the Willamette River. Nicole was training for a triathlon and wanted to practice swimming in the slow moving river. Although there was nothing to be afraid of, the water below was murky, confusing and often frightening when slimy river weeds brushed up against her. She also couldn’t see as she swam. It was only when she lifted her head out of the water to take a breath that she could see in front of her.
I offered to walk ahead of her in the 3 1/2 foot water to pave the way. I ran through the water a distance ahead and cleared the water of plants or sticks that might scare her during the swim. Until I got the hang of going before her and clearing the way, we had a number of screaming incidents that probably amused the local sunbathers that day. Every so often I would get too far ahead and she couldn’t see me when she lifted her eyes up. If she couldn’t see me anymore she would completely stop for fear that she had gone off path and swam too far out. I eventually got into a rhythm and was able to walk just enough ahead that I could spot and remove offending objects but still be close enough so that she could see me every time she came up for air. As long as I did this, she was able to swim continuously and train harder than she would have been able to otherwise.
As I walked along, I thought about a few verses that describe how God does this in my life every day. Isaiah 45:2a says, “I will go before you and level the mountains [to make the crooked places straight.” Isaiah 52:12b says, “For the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” I love these verses because they describe God going before us and behind us. We are supremely protected in our walk with Christ because He has gone before us in everything we will experience. He knows what is to come and has gone before to clear the way. Equally, God is behind us protecting us from harm.
I am especially fond of Psalm 121. It is extremely comforting to know that God is not in the business of tripping us up, sleeping on the job, letting us slip, falling behind, neglecting to protect us from evil or abandoning his post. There have been many times in my life where I have forgotten to lift my eyes up from the murky waters of life I have been swimming in, but had I done so I would have found God ahead of me preparing the way. I often wonder where the help that God promises is, and I don’t remember that his help comes in many forms. Sometimes he is a shade, sometimes he protects from evil, other times he removes obstacles or stands guard. Whatever form that help does come and I can rest assured that “God is who He says He is” and “God can do what He says He can do” (Beth Moore, Believing God). We just need to believe that He is guarding our coming in and going out. He is ahead of us; we just need to lift our eyes out of the muck and swim straight for Him.
Additional Reference: Isa 43:15-21
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