Heavy Lifting

I don't know what age it starts, but for my son it was just recently when he turned six. Come to think if it, he did the same thing for a bit when he turned five. All throughout the year, he has been counting down to the age when he will do certain things. Six was his official date of big boy status. He even held onto certain behaviors because he could still do that stuff when he was five. Magically, at age six that changed and the behavior stopped because six years old don't do THAT kind of stuff anymore. Well, apparently as part of his big boy status, he decided he was capable of making adult level decisions. He has taken to trying to "discipline" his sister (which we put the kabash on really quick), work all the electrical equipment himself, get his own breakfast, and hide his nakedness from guests. He will come in and give himself time limits on eating and set his own consequence. He will say something like, "Mommy, if I don't eat all my dinner tonight then I will not be getting dessert." or "I am setting the timer for picking up and if I don't pick up by the time the timer rings, I won't get to watch my show."

Most of these things work really well because he learning to motivate himself, try new things and control his own behavior. The most frustrating things though are when he attempts to do something that is obviously out of his realm of expertise. Two of these things were trying to ride his bike without training wheels and jumping off the top of the slide at a dead run. With both of these activities, he really biffed it hard and hurt himself.

It got me to thinking about how many times I do this with God in my spiritual life. There must be something internal going on for me to attempt to do certain things outside His power. Do I just decide like my son that I am of the age that I can do these things myself or am I deluding myself about my spiritual maturity? Either way, I usually biff it hard, hurt myself and then wonder what in the world was I thinking that would make me believe I could actually do that on my own?

I think sometimes I take the verse, Phil 2:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and leave out the "through Christ" part. I should change the verse to say, "I can do nothing without Christ." In fact, John 15:5 states just that, "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

I have been a part of a church plant for the last six months and am on the Monday night team that is launching the church officially in September. We prayed, but I don't think I was really trying to rely on Christ's power in our meetings. After all, we had 6 educated people, of whom four were writers yet we couldn't come up with a mission statement for the church that really spoke to us. We were reading a ton of books, throwing out different phrases and ideas but every meeting was like pulling teeth. We were starting to get VERY frustrated.

Finally the pastor stopped the meeting one evening and said that God was directing him to have everyone go home and pray that week for God to speak to us about the vision/mission for our church. I flippantly said, "Ok, but I am almost positive God isn't going to have anything for me." That week, before I went to bed I would rattle of a prayer and ask God if He had anything for me. Like usual, I heard nothing and said, "Alright, nothing? Ok, night." By Thursday, I was certain nothing was going to come to me and again said, "Anything for me tonight? No? Alright, good night." Just as I laid my head down on my pillow, God flashed in my head the outline for the vision statement. I was positive that this was the format we were to use to design our mission statement.

I diligently prepared my presentation to "convince" everyone that this was from the Lord and presented it to the team the following Monday, hoping and praying that I had heard correctly. After all, God hadn't actually spoken to me, just flashed me the inspiration based on all the books I had been scouring. As I was making my "case" for God at the meeting, the pastor received a flash of inspiration for the words to fill in the outline I was presenting. Before we even had a chance to discuss, he was rattling off our mission/vision statement. The concept and the wording were dead on and floored us. We finally had our mission/vision statement and it was the easiest week of work we ever had.

This is just one example when I try to do life on my own and fail to throw myself at God's feet until He answers. How much easier would those weeks have been if we had just put it to God in the first place? What in the world made us think that outside His guidance and inspiration, we could come up with something just because we put a good team in place to do so. In fact, when God spoke there wasn't even a need for me to "make a case" for God. If the words were from God, they would stand up to scrutiny all on their own. He didn't even need me to do that. All He needed from me was to abide, to remain, to ask and let him do all the heavy lifting.

Are we there yet?

Sometimes I wonder things like:

“Haven’t I learned enough already?”
"Can’t I just take a break from changing and growing?"
"What is it You are trying to teach me now?”

I think faith is the toughest thing to learn and I find comfort in the fact that every single person deals with the same struggles. Am I going to believe God or not? Some days I do and some days I don’t. I love that even David, a man after God’s heart, whined and complained and stomped his feet. I love that Elijah was deeply depressed minutes after God miraculously provided fire from heaven to burn the sacrifice. I love that God didn’t punish Abraham for taking matters of the promise into his own hands and that the mighty disciples couldn’t stay awake in the garden with Jesus. I especially love that even Jesus poured out His heart to his Father in the Garden and asked to be spared from the suffering he was going to face. Jesus, God in the flesh, didn't want to feel pain. I don't blame him. If it had been me I would have been an absolute mess.

I am so grateful that God understands and allow us to feel. He never chastised David for asking God to “get” his enemies. Instead, God reminded him that he is a wonderful God and that He is in charge. God never told Elijah to “get it together.” Instead He ministered to him in the desert and then taught him how to hear His voice. God didn’t shame Abraham for his weakness, but gave him what was promised. Jesus wasn’t even angry at his disciples for not being able to stay away. He just let them sleep even during his greatest need. I even imagine that the Father poured out His love for His son before His death. I love that God allows me to be, to feel and tell Him all my heart’s desires because, after all, isn’t that what relationship is all about?

Aren’t the best relationships the ones where I am allowed to be myself, to have doubts, to be upset, to make mistakes and then through all that learn something? Isn’t that the safest environment for love? It is in this safe environment of love that I learn to hear, trust and grow. It is in faith that I become more than I ever dreamed I could be?

As painful as it is and as much as I would love to stop, every time I learn something new, I am so grateful that God didn't leave me in my previous state. I marvel at how miserable that lesson would have left me for the rest of my life, had I not learned it. A deeped relationship with God is well worth the temporary growing pains. I am so glad that I am not there yet.

JEF Ch 2 Who's in the Driver's Seat?

Hi, my name is Farah and I am a recovered emotional car wreck.

You have probably heard the saying, “God needs to be in the driver’s seat of our life.” I never liked that saying. It didn’t make sense to me. After all, we aren’t robots or puppets that God controls with strings. Even after we have been saved, we still have free will and we must choose to listen to Him and obey. In David Stoop’s book, “You Are What You Think,” he had a much clearer car analogy. Imagine yourself driving a special car that only you know how to drive. The car represents the totality of who you are: your body, soul and spirit. The road represents the life you are traveling down. Dr. Stoops says that we can respond in one of two ways when we are confused by our emotions. We can either become over-controlling or over-whelmed.



“As we travel down the highway, we suddenly feel overwhelmed, so we decide to put the car on cruise control and jump in the backseat. Then we yell at God, our spouse, our children, our parents, or all of the above ‘You take over! I can’t drive anymore!’ As the car goes careening down the highway, hitting other cars, running over other people and bouncing off buildings, we sit there in a panic, saying ‘Somebody better get control of this thing!’ Perhaps God is sitting with us in the backseat, but all He can say is, ‘I can’t help you back here!’ And He explains, “I can’t do anything as long as you are sitting in the backseat. I can only help if you are in the driver’s seat- if you are in control.”



In our panic, we are out of control. If God were to give us directions, we would be unable to act of them. Our fear, insecurities and overwhelmed emotions paralyze us. We are in “flight” mode. Dr. Stoop goes on to state, “If we are over-controlling, we do just the opposite, we never leave the driver’s seat. But as we drive along, God….suggests we stop or slow down. But instead we panic and hit the gas pedal, swerving to avoid a collision.”



When we are over-controlling we are often in “fight” mode. We argue with God and everyone else and we completely lose the ability to hear God. We can even purposefully drive over and into people with our control and anger. The third reaction to our emotional confusion is “Freeze” mode. Stoop says, “…If we need to turn, we freeze and our arms become like cement. We can’t turn, so we end up hitting a brick wall. The only way to drive the car is to remain in control. That way if (God) suggests we slow down, we can slow down. If we need to make a turn, we make the turn. That’s self-control. That’s the way we are meant to live: exercising self-control in order to be in control.”



Self-control is one of fruit of the Spirit. We know that the Holy Spirit is the conduit through which we hear God, experience Christ and learn spiritual truths. So where is the Holy Spirit in this equation? For that we need another illustration.



My husband is terrible with directions. After 15 years struggling with wrong turns and missed exits, he admitted defeat and bought a GPS device. This handy little unit has solved many arguments between my husband and me. For the most part, I have been relieved of my position as navigator and can happily enjoy the ride without worrying about whether we will actually make it to our destination. My husband is able to plug the address into the GPS and it gives him turn by turn instructions. It even has a positive reinforcement tool to let him know that he has made the right decision. It will say to continue down this road or turn in so many feet and when has made the right choice, it happily chimes like an old-fashioned door bell, “ding dong.” It is now a running joke that when he forgets his GPS, I copy the unit’s tone of voice as I give him directions and even add the little bell chime when he has listened to me correctly. It may seem silly, but we have avoided a lot of arguments this way.



In the previous chapter, we talked about Elijah’s mountain top experience and the following days he was in hiding. After the angel ministered to Elijah for 40 days, God asked Elijah to go up another mountain. In 1 Kings 19:11-12 says, “Then he was told, "Go, stand on the mountain at attention before GOD. GOD will pass by." A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before GOD, but GOD wasn't to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but GOD wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but GOD wasn't in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.” In a still, small voice God spoke to Elijah.



If we are in control of our emotions and they are in perfectly placed within God’s truth, we are free to listen to our “still small” GPS unit called the Holy Spirit. Just like the unit, we don’t get any more instructions than what we need right in front of us. If we listen to the Holy Spirit and obey the directions God is giving us, our emotions are the little chimes that ring. In Galatians 5:22-23, we are told that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These positive feelings and ways of existing are our chimes that let us know we are on the right track, but they only come after we begin to follow the instructions that God gives us, not before. If we placed our emotions at the improper place, we could be easily led astray. We need to be in control of our feelings so that He can guide us with his still small voice.



Emotions are the trailer hitched up to our car. These positive traits are the evidence of and reward for obedience. If you have ever tried to back up a car with a trailer, you know how difficult it can be. In order to get the trailer to turn the direction you would like it to go, you must steer in the opposite direction. It gets very confusing and is much easier to move forward than backward. Just like a wayward trailer, emotions are unpredictable and can easily lead us astray. It is best to keep moving forward with the directions that we have been given.



Our faith in God fuels our car. It is what keeps us following the Holy Spirit even when we don’t understand the directions or detours He gives us. Our faith is what trusts God’s character of love and mercy even when bad things happen. Our faith helps us step out in truth, even when we don’t feel like it. When would we ever feel like loving our enemies, blessing those who persecute us or praying for those who spitefully use us (Matt 5:44)? This is an impossible task and one that cannot be driven by our emotions. After all, in Luke 9:23 Jesus said that on a daily basis we must deny ourselves, pick up our cross, and follow Him. During hard times, I found that it is even a moment by moment choice to continue my Christian walk by faith and not by what I feel or see around me.



The engine of our car is God’s truth. Truth is what keeps us moving and operating. Our emotions can be false and lie to us, but the truth of God is unwavering. Truth gives us the power to go farther than we ever dreamed possible and keep going longer than we imagined. This isn’t something that will happen overnight, but as we come to believe more and more of God’s word our emotions also begin to come into a more perfect balance.



I don’t know about you, but I find it very difficult to have perfect relationships with other people. They always seem to find a way to wound me, make me mad, ignore me, not meeting my needs, not understand me, not care about me and the list goes on and on. If you haven’t noticed, the problem I have is that I am always thinking about “me.” The truth is that our relationships this side of heaven will never be perfect. We will always struggle with hurts and misunderstandings. Even with all the healing God has done in my life, there are and will always be things I struggle with and people I don’t understand. There will be those who hate God and persecute me and those who I hurt with my actions.



As we traverse this emotional journey together, I will share with you how God led me to emotional freedom. I didn’t and still don’t always “feel” close to God, but I have learned that continued obedience and seeking God eventually leads me to breakthroughs in faith and emotional struggles. This usually occurs when I finally understand the truth that He has been trying to speak to me and begin to believe that truth. If you have found yourself stuck emotionally, I want to encourage you to ask God to reveal the truths you need for your emotional breakthrough. I promise that on the other side is real, lasting peace and abundant living that is worth digging around inside to discover.



DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. What place do you think the Holy Spirit plays in our emotions?



2. Where are you in this journey? Overcontrolling? Overwhelmed? Frozen?

JEF Ch 1.2 A Place for Every Emotion and Every Emotion in its Place

For some of us, our emotions are an unfortunate part of life. Our emotions are close to the surface, are tumultuous and unpredictable. We are like a sailboat that is tossed about by the winds of emotions. Where they blow, we blow too. These intense emotions can hinder us, bog us down and make life difficult. Supermodel, Naomi Campbell a good example of this type of emotional struggle. Her wild outbursts and unpredictable behavior have labeled her in a very negative light. Britney Spears recent outburst haven’t been much better.


The opposite problem exists for others who struggle to feel anything at all. They have emotions but their feelings run so deep they hardly understand them. These folks are more like Tristan from the movie, “Legends of the Fall.” He couldn’t deal with his emotional traumas, so he shoved them down. Tristan’s family deeply loved him and yet he managed to alienate and destroy a whole family with his inability to connect.


These two emotional extremes are hard for not only the person who struggles with them, but also for those who are close to them. The extremely expressive may emotionally vomit on those around them and their loved ones may feel they need to protect themselves from extreme outbursts. On the other hand, loved ones may never know where they stand and deeply desire an emotional connection with those out of touch with their feelings. When emotions do surface, they are often explosive and not proportionate to the "crime."


Sometimes we get so bogged down in the feelings we are or aren’t feeling that we don’t even know where to begin to deal with them. It seems like it would be easier if we were Data (the android from Star Trek: The Next Generation) who had no emotions. Toward the end of the series, he received an emotion chip, but he could still mercifully switch his emotions on and off with the flick of a thought. I will never forget the scene where he and Captain Picard are tracking Borg who have invaded the ship. As they are walking down the ship’s hallways, Data is verbalizing the fear and anxiety he is feeling for the first time. Captain Picard stops, looks at him and suggests that perhaps now isn’t the time to be exploring his negative emotions. How many times have I wished for that same ability? In between these two extremes run a gamut of other places we can be stuck emotionally.


For all these emotional struggles, God gave emotions to us for a purpose. God primarily designed us for a personal love relationship with himself and other people. In fact the Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God and love other people. (Matt 22:36-39) In other words, our purpose is to be in loving relationships with others. Emotions play a vital role in our relationships with one another and our relationship with God.God made us in his image (Gen 1:27) and He is a very emotional God. God says that he loves (1 John 4:16), is angry with the wicked (Ps 7:11), is jealous (Deut 6:15), laughs (Psalm 37:13), is joyful (Nehemiah 8:10), delights to show mercy (Micah 7:18), delights in his people (Psalm 149:4). We also know that God has emotions, because Jesus became human. Jesus was filled with compassion (Luke 15:20), was grieved in his heart, experiences sorrow (John 11:35), loved (John 3:16) and was joyful (John15:11).


The difference between God and us is that God does not act emotionally. His thoughts, feelings and actions are perfectly aligned with truth. His feelings are not dependent on our action or inaction. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow (Hebrews 13:8). He cannot act out of character. That is why He could send His son to die for us while we were still in sin. He loves us no matter what the circumstances because his emotions are firmly rooted in truth and in perfect perspective.


In a New Testament story, Jesus sends the disciples on ahead in the boat so that He can go up the mountain and be alone with the Father. It is night and the disciples are crossing the choppy sea. Suddenly they notice a figure coming toward them on the water. They start to think it is a ghost and start freaking out. As Jesus gets closer, he says “Take courage, it is I.” Peter becomes bold. In Matthew 14:28 Peter says, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." Peter gets out of the boat and begins walking toward Jesus, but his eyes soon become focused on the dark, turbulent waters and the wind whipping around him. I imagine that Peter suddenly realized how insane his request was; he could drown if this wasn’t Jesus! His focused moved from Jesus to the circumstances surrounding him and he instantly began to sink.


Peter’s experience walking on water, demonstrates the perspective of God. When we look at our circumstances, relationships, and negative experiences we are focused on the wind and waves. It is hard to see how God could ever change these things. There are many stories of the disciples looking at their surroundings instead of on God. Jesus was constantly adjusting their thought processes with phrases like, “You have heard the saying...” or “It is said that…”, then he follows up with, “But I tell you…”


Elijah is another good example of a missed perspective. In 1 kings 18, Elijah is kicking butt and taking names. Elijah is in the middle of a duel between 100 prophets of Baal. He challenges the prophets to a test of their god. A sacrifice is placed on an altar and Elijah asks their god to produce fire to consume the sacrifice. 100 prophets dance, chant, rent their clothes, leapt about for 12 hours calling to their god while Elijah taunts them. Then Elijah places his sacrifice on the altar, digs and trench and douses the sacrifice with 12 barrels of water. Elijah makes a simple prayer and the Lord sends down a consuming fire that not only burns the sacrifice, but the wood underneath, the twelve stones around it, the dust and the water in the trench.


After this awesome display of God’s power, the king and crazy queen put out a hit on Elijah’s life. Elijah flees to the mountains where we find him sulking in chapter 19 asking God to kill him. Elijah can’t see the protective hand of God even when God sends him an angel to care for his needs for 40 days and night. He only sees that he is the last prophet that hasn’t been killed by the crazy king and queen. In 1 kings 19:10, Elijah says, "I've been working my heart out for the GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies. The people of Israel have abandoned your covenant, destroyed the places of worship, and murdered your prophets. I'm the only one left, and now they're trying to kill me." God had just led Elijah into the wilderness to protect him and sent him an angel to feed and minister to him for 40 days and still he was pouting? Talk about a missed perspective.


If we are to be useful in the kingdom of God, I believe that our emotional life needs to be centered and in line with God’s perfect perspective. He knows why we experience certain things in our lives and the reasons for those things. In Jeremiah 29:11 God says, “I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Even in his pain, he knew that God had everything under control. If Jesus hadn’t believed this truth about the Father, he would have never sacrificed himself for our sins.
I know from personal experience that if our emotions are out of control, God cannot use us as greatly as He would like. Our prisons are filled with people whose emotions are out of control. Many self-medicate with drugs, sex, greed and power. These people need significant rehabilitation to control themselves in order to be useful members of society. I believe the same is true of our walk with Christ. Peter was a prime example of this. He was always going off half-cocked, reacting his way through life. Jesus never condemned Peter for his passionate way of living, but he also didn’t want Peter to be out of control. Just like Peter, there is a place for our emotions. God made us for feeling.


The negative emotions that God gave to us aren’t inherently bad, but they are not a reliable source for the truth. Our negative emotions do tell us that this world isn’t how it should be. God created us to live in a perfect world where we didn’t know evil. When Adam and Eve sinned, our whole way of living changed. We no longer did, thought or said only good things. We had the option of doing bad. We battle this sin nature every day. Some days we win and some days we lose. Our negative emotions can indicate that there is something wrong and missing in our lives. God can draw us closer to him through these experiences because it is only through a relationship with Jesus that these pains can be eased. Negative emotions are only unhealthy when they consume our lives, change our behavior or define how we react to life.

We can’t choose how we feel, but we can choose how we respond to our feelings. If we don’t think critically about our emotions before we act, we can become slaves to our feelings. If our emotions are louder than God or we are cut off from our feelings (or anything in between), we run the risk of “feeling” or “thinking” our way through our Christian walk instead of “abiding” as Jesus commands us. Obeying the truth is the only way to save us from the damage our emotions can inflict on us.

If you look at a river, it rarely runs in a straight line. It meanders and wanders across the landscape to the sea. The fastest way to get down the mountain would be a straight line, but a straight line isn’t always best way for the water to flow. I believe that God does have a plan for us and although we may not see the route, He has a purpose for us. If we trust that He has a perfect perspective on our life, we can trust that whatever happens He has the best in mind for us. We can experience every emotion, but keep them in their proper place. When we do this, God can heal our wounds and give them purpose. We can then begin to minister to others who have experienced similar problems.


If you have never asked God to be a part of your life, I want to invite you to do so now. You can begin a relationship with Him today. All you have to do is talk to God whatever is in your heart. Here is an example, but you need to supply the words yourself and mean them.

“Jesus, I can’t do change by myself; I need you in my life. I don’t know what it means to love you, but I have decided to follow you all the rest of my life. I believe that you are God and that you love me. Thank you for paying the price for my sin. Please show me how to love you and love others. Amen”

Election Day

Today (well technically yesterday as it is 2 am) my son's school performed a mock election for the student body. The school is a public charter run by conservative christians. When they said election day, I didn't think they would actually be a trial vote for the president. When I picked up my son from school, I asked him what they did and he explained that they voted for who would be in charge of the whole country. I was intrigued about who he had picked because we had not influenced his decision at all. I told him the name of the candidates and he said he had chosen Barack Obama. When I questioned his reasoning behind the choice he said, "Because he has a cool name."

Am I proud that my country has elected the first black president? Absolutely, it was time for that. Am I proud of the person they chose? No, I would have preferred that Alan Keyes had been first African American president, but he wasn't someone that community could get behind because of his strong Christian ties. Was I excited about McCain? Not really, but at least I knew he loved this country, stood for its values and that Palin was a strong enough leader for the both of them. On the surface, both candidates "seemed" to have the same views, but upon closer inspection there were some very crucial differences.

Today voters turned out in droves to support the "cool" presidential candidate, but it is my opinion that just like my son their decision was based on little else. The nation seems enraptured by Obama much the same way they were about Kennedy, but there are some key differences. Obama is the most liberal president we will have to date, we know very little about him personally and it seems to me that he has hidden agendas that will only be fully revealed later.

This will probably be the only post I make about politics, but the reason is simple enough. Do some research and you will see that the groundwork is laid for Christ's return. There are only a few more details to be hashed out. One of those details is the end time revival. I believe we are on the threshold of that precipice and this election is the weight that will swing us toward the rapidly approaching day of return. Whether you are a post or pre-milleniumist, know this, Obama has come to command the most powerful country in the world, but it is only because God allowed it to be so. Even in this there is a purpose.

Be ready folks, we have a wild ride ahead of us. If not in the next four years, I believe within our generation. We have got a job to do, so let's get to it!

Say What?

Philippians 4:8-9 “ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

My 3 year old daughter came home from grandma’s house a month ago with a new habit of using TV and movie phrases in our conversations. She was asking me something and when I said I didn’t understand she said, “Whatever mommy, whatever.” I was shocked, but quickly realized she must have copied something she picked up from a show at grandma’s house (I quickly made sure grandma wasn’t showing them programs I didn’t approve). Then yesterday, I asked her to get herself strapped into her car seat. Granted, we had been running errands all day and she knows the routine, but she stands around or plays instead of getting ready to go. Out breaks a, “Yes, your Majesty” from my dear sweet little girl! Then yesterday, I got a “Yes, m’lady” which was considerably nicer.

To top it all off, she recently broke down in tears, crying incessantly about being scared that the world was going to crack. I thought I was being careful about what my kids were watching, but since my son is older I realized I must not have been as vigilant as I thought. I must be much more careful I must be about what I let her watch.

I wonder how often I do this in my Christian walk? Have I somehow slipped in some areas that I am not guarding my heart and mind? Are there things that I watch or listen to that I have no business watching or listening? There was a time when I was praying fervently for God’s presence in my life and I kept hearing ever so softly, “Turn off the TV.” I didn’t like that answer and prayed again thinking I must have heard wrong. God only said once again, “I told you to turn off the TV.” For a month or so, I fasted from TV and movies. I really did begin to feel God’s presence as I broke my TV addiction. Since then, I was released from that fast, but I often wonder whether these things can creep back on you and before you know it, it you are modeling and repeating behaviors you never had before.

I think this can happen even in the Christian realm. My dad likes to brag that his “girls” went to church every Sunday before we were born. Even after we were born, we almost never missed a Sunday, ever. When we went on vacation, either we found a local church or the girls put on church for the adults. How much of what I do and say in my Christian walk is something I have heard so often that it holds no meaning for me and do I really understand what I am saying. When I say, “Thank the Lord” am I really thanking Him or am I just using his name in vain? When I pray in Christianese, do I mean it or it so I can look good in front of others?

I haven’t been feeling far from God lately, but you better be sure that if I do the first thing to go will be TV and movies. Of course, the irony will be that God will ask me to do just that after I post this. Stay tuned for more developments, but in the meantime consider whether you are filling your mind with junk or the thoughts of God.

JEF CH 1.1 The Rubble

We all have emotional rubble in our life. The rubble could be from our past, a foundation turned upside down in childhood, a life dismantled by our own actions, a person who smashed our lives with their actions or things we chose to believe that have torn us down. There are too many reasons to list. What I do know is that we all have rubble.

Sometimes the rubble is so extensive we refuse to let anyone near it. There are precious things buried in the rocks and we don’t want anyone disturbing them again, so we leave it as is and refuse to let anyone help us. We can end up just living in the rubble.

Other times we build walls with our rubble. This prevents anyone from digging around, but walls also keep people out and it is lonely living behind them.

Other times we can try to put the rubble back together ourselves. We start to build, but we aren’t architects. We can only guess which piece goes where. We may spend enough time working on ourselves that we might resemble something half-way functional, but all it takes is one storm to bring it all crashing down. Building on top of rubble only builds an unstable house.
In our life, Christ asks us to give him our broken pieces so that he can make something new. If we refuse, our lives are spent falling over and around one piece of broken rubble after another. We may be forgiven and saved, but we aren’t living abundantly.

God desires to sort through your rubble and turn it into something that brings Him glory. Some rubble He clears away, some He replaces but most often He uses the rubble in His master plan. In His design, He first builds a foundation and then begins to pick up our pieces and use them to rebuild us. The old is never gone. It is recreated into something new that is built on his love and held together by his truths.

Disclaimer:

Over the many weeks to come, I will be sharing extremely personal stories that illustrate my point. As with many emotional struggles, these stories mainly involve other people. The main characters in my story have been family members. The only reason I am able to share these stories is because God has healed me and has restored relationships where there once was pain and hurt. My family and I now have loving, healthy committed relationships focused on God rather than ourselves. We have been restored and although their actions may have deeply wounded me in the past, I no longer feel any pain regarding them. We are not the same people that we used to be. We have discussed and hashed out our hurts and reconciled. And where there were differences of opinion or in the case of my mom I was not given the chance to reconcile, God has given me understanding to see what each person was going through. I understand their actions and can forgive even when there wasn’t resolution for these deep wounds.

In no way, do I intend to defame another and make them look bad for their behavior. I am sure I play a large role in the hurts of others who aren’t sharing their story with you. One day you may hear them or hear my children tell you the hurts I caused them. I take full responsibility for those things that are mine. With God’s help, I pray the hurt I have caused has been changed into something good. The purpose of this sharing is to explain how God helped me understand the things that happened to me and put them into His perfect perspective. These stories are about what God did to change ME! The hurts happened and nothing can change that, but God is so much bigger than my experiences and He worked in me to change and grow. So the stories I share are to explain how I changed, not how God changed them. Their part is really the catalyst that helped me learn more about who God is and helped me become whole. In fact, I now see the benefit of that pain because it has transformed me and drawn me closer to God. I am where I am and how I am because of these “negative” experiences. You see, within God’s perfect perspective, I can agree with Joseph who told his brothers in Genesis 50:20, “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.”

There are also people in my life who are not different and because of this I cannot share their part in my life with you. What I can do is choose to love them where they are and pray that God will work to change their hurts into something good. I want to encourage you to see each story I share impartially and without judgment on anyone else. Instead follow the advice of Jesus in Luke 6:37 when he said, "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” We are able to forgive because we have received forgiveness in God’s perfect perspective.

Now for your part, the million dollar question: Do you want to be healed? Do you want to feel better? “Of course, I want to be healed,” you may say. I only ask because sometimes we aren’t ready for what God has to say. We aren’t ready for the sacrifices that God requires for healing. Sometimes our hurts become our life and we are too scared to give them up. We rely on our emotional struggles because they are all we have and they keep us safe. Yes, you heard me right. Whatever emotional struggle you have, currently serves a function, albeit a dysfunctional function. It is not, however, the abundant life God intended for you to live. If you still answer yes to that question, read on. But be warned, you probably won’t like what I have to say.

The information that God gave me to share is not for your spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, friends, colleagues, roommates, co-workers, neighbors or children. It is for you and you alone. You cannot change someone else. Let me say it again more strongly, “You cannot change ANYONE else.” Here is the good news. Only God can help someone else. God has the desire, the purpose and the plan for that person in your life. There is only one thing you can do to help someone else change. You can facilitate change in someone if you are focused on Christ, loving Him completely, and abiding in Him. Through that relationship you can shine a beacon on someone else’s life or become burning coals on their head. How is your love quotient right now? Are you loving people or are they all creeps and jerks?

With the help of God, you can only change you. Your relationship with God is paramount to Him. God has blinders on when it comes to your life. It isn’t that He doesn’t care about others, but in your relationship with God, you are all He sees. In a sense, God asks you not to care what other people are doing wrong in your life. He asks you what you are doing wrong, where you have failed, or what you need to learn from this experience. He is also asking you to trust him even with this.

Isn’t that what Jesus asked us to do when He said to pull the log out of our own eye before we try to find the speck in another’s eye. You must view your journey with the same blinders that God has for you. Focus your eyes exclusively on Him and ask Him what it is He has for you to learn. If you in anyway, shift your focus off God and onto your sinking ship, whatever that may be, you will miss what God has for you. Like Peter, you may start out strong walking across the water, but once your focus waivers, you will begin to sink.

This seems like an impossible task and you are right. It is impossible. You should just give up: give up your agenda, give up your rights, give up your hurts, give up control of the situation, and give up your expectations. You must admit defeat. Call it quits and give it to God. I don’t write anything that I haven’t thought before, believed before or done before. Like Paul says, I am the chief sinner here. I don’t ask this lightly or without regard to the sacrifice it will require of you. I know from personal experience that what I ask, what God asks, isn’t fair. You may have sacrificed, given over and above or been the bigger person and yet God asks you to give even more. I hate being the bigger person more than anyone. It makes me feel like I am taking all the hits, that I am being taken advantage of and that the other person is getting off easy. Whatever happened to you in the past and whatever you are feeling right now can seem insurmountable. It isn’t right the hurt and injustices that have happened to you. It isn’t fair. It is horrible, awful and no good at all.

No one should ever be asked to sacrifice themselves this way and yet someone did that for you, for me, without us asking, because that is what we needed. God isn’t like Alice in Wonderland who gives very good advice, but seldom ever follows it. As God told my older sister, “I always follow my own advice.” He never requires anything of us that He hasn’t already done himself. He asks no less than what he did for you and for me. Where Jesus died a physical death, he asks us to “give up our life for our brothers” and to become “living sacrifices to God.” He asks us to die, so that we might live!

It is not easy, but then nothing ever worthwhile ever is easy. Anything worth living for must also be worth dying for. Die to yourselves, become a living sacrifice, and pick up our daily cross. In return, Jesus promises that his yoke, his burden is easy. It sounds so contradictory, but how I wished I had listened sooner. I can testify that God’s burden is lighter and his yolk is easier than anything I carried before.

I may have just stirred up a million “buts” that you have running across your mind, but let me stop to answer your questions now. “Yes, you can go on.” “Not, it won’t last forever.” “No, it isn’t right what they have done.” “Yes, the pain in your life downright stinks and ‘No’ God doesn’t agree with it or wish it happened to you.” In fact, ‘Yes’ you can be angry and hurt because God is angry and hurt for His children, but ‘No” it isn’t ok to stay where you are.” “Yes, God does care.” “Yes, God is with you even when you don’t ‘feel’ Him.” “No, You are not alone, but ‘Yes” God will use the pain in your life to draw you closer to Him and draw those things from you that are hindering you.” And ‘Yes’, God can make all things new and He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it.”

“But what about me,” you may ask? “What about you?” God replies. “Aren’t I enough for you? Why are you turning to anyone else in this world to define who you are, to heal you, to love you unconditionally, to save you, to meet your every need, to give you what you desire? What about you? Don’t you think I care more about you than that? You are my child, my precious darling, my boy. I know what you need and what you need is me. More of me. Breathe me in. Live me. Stay here. Talk to me. Tell me how much it hurts. Tell me what you are feeling.” Contrary to how you may feel, God is not a petty, vengeful God who is out to get you. He doesn’t desire that you feel pain, but, and here are the key words, ‘when necessary’, He will allow pain in order draw something from you that is keeping you from the life He offers.

So I ask again: Do you want to be healed? Are you tired of all this mess? Are you ready for a change? Are you ready to utterly abandon everything you ever desired? Are you ready to give it all up? When you are, God is waiting to transform your hurts into something good. He is ready to trade your sorrow for dancing. And if you still have “buts” then I say, ‘Read no further.’ But if you are ready, really ready and willing to trade it all in, then you are ready to understand that you have a God-sized problem that requires a God-sized answer. Are you ready for Him?

Journey to Emotional Freedom - Chapter 1

A Place for Emotions and Emotions in their Place

Over the course of this blog, I am going to be discussing some tools God can use or paths He can lead us toward emotional freedom. As with everything, these tools are “ways” God leads us to healing. They aren’t necessarily “THE WAY” God heals us. Some people have been healed miraculously, some through counseling, some through understanding themselves, some through fighting spiritual warfare, and some through confronting false beliefs. The list is endless. These are tools that God has personally shown me, but behind all of these tools is the same God and Savior. Emotional struggles are extremely complex and there is no one, quick fix solution. God has led me to each of these tools on my journey to emotional freedom. As I continue the struggle, I have each of these tools to use to help me on a daily basis. They have been vital as I continue to battle sin, personality flaws, past hurts, and pain. They help me to focus in on God’s truths and put my emotions in His perfect perspective.

For some of us, our emotions are an unfortunate part of life. They hinder us, bog us down and make life difficult. For some of us, our emotions are close to the surface and are tumultuous and unpredictable. Where they fly, we fly too. If we could, we would gladly become Data (the android from Star Trek: The Next Generation) who could mercifully switch his emotions on and off with the flick of a thought. The opposite problem exists for others of us who struggle to feel anything at all. You have emotions but your feelings run so deep you hardly understand them. You may be more like Tristan from the movie, “A River Runs Through It” who is deeply loved and yet manages to alienate and destroy a whole family with his inability to connect.

These two emotional extremes are hard for not only the person who struggles with them, but also for those who are close to them. On one hand, the extremely expressive may emotionally vomit on those around them and our loved ones may feel they need to protect themselves from our extremes. On the other hand, our loved ones may never know where they stand and deeply desire an emotional connection with those out of touch with their feelings. When emotions do surface, they are often explosive and not proportionate to the "crime." In between these two extremes run a gamut of other places we can be stuck emotionally. I have been at these two extremes and in every place in between. I would call myself a recovering emotional car wreck and can empathize with so many emotional struggles.

Emotions play a vital role in our relationships to one another and our relationship with God. If we are to be useful in the kingdom of God, I believe that our emotional life needs to be centered and in line with God’s perfect perspective. Sometimes we get so bogged down in the feelings we are or aren’t feeling that we don’t even know where to begin to deal with them. I learned in the journey God took me on that if our emotions are out of control, God cannot use us as greatly as He would like. If we are wounded, how can we help lead others to Him effectively? We need to be in control of our feelings so that He can guide us with his still small voice. If our emotions are louder than God or if we are cut off from our feelings or anything in between, we run the risk of “feeling” or “thinking” our way through our Christian walk instead of “abiding” as Jesus commands us to.

You have probably heard the saying, “God needs to be in the driver’s seat of our life.” I never liked that saying. It didn’t make sense to me. After all, we aren’t automatons or robots that God controls with puppet strings. We have free will and we can choose to listen to Him or not even after we have been saved. In David Stoop’s book, “You Are What You Think,” he had a much better example of how God helps us drive our car. Imagine yourself driving a special car that only you know how to drive. The car represents the totality of who you are: your body, soul and spirit. The road represents the life you are traveling down. Dr. Stoops says that we can respond in one of two ways when we are confused by our emotions. We can either become over controlling or overwhelmed.

“As we travel down the highway, we suddenly feel overwhelmed, so we decide to put the car on cruise control and jump in the backseat. Then we yell at God, our spouse, our children, our parents, or all of the above ‘You take over! I can’t drive anymore!’ As the car goes careening down the highway, hitting other cars, running over other people and bouncing off buildings, we sit there in a panic, saying ‘Somebody better get control of this thing!’ Perhaps God is sitting with us in the backseat, but all He can say is, ‘I can’t help you back here!’ And He explains, “I can’t do anything as long as you are sitting in the backseat. I can only help if you are in the driver’s seat- if you are in control.” I would add that in our panic, we are out of control. If God were to give us directions, we would be unable to act of them. Our fear, insecurities and overwhelmed emotions paralyze us. We in full-on “flight” mode.

Dr. Stoop goes on to state, “If we are over-controlling, we do just the opposite, we never leave the driver’s seat. But as we drive along, God….suggests we stop or slow down. But instead we panic and hit the gas pedal, swerving to avoid a collision.” When we are over-controlling we are often in “fight” mode. We argue with God and everyone else and we completely lose the ability to hear God. We can even purposefully drive over and into people with our control and anger.

The third reaction to our emotional confusion is “Freeze” mode. Stoop says, “…If we need to turn, we freeze and our arms become like cement. We can’t turn, so we end up hitting a brick wall. The only way to drive the car is to remain in control. That way if (God) suggests we slow down, we can slow down. If we need to make a turn, we make the turn. That’s self-control. That’s the way we are meant to live: exercising self-control in order to be in control.” We know that the Holy Spirit is the conduit through which we hear God, experience Christ and learn spiritual truths. So where is the Holy Spirit in this equation? For that we need another illustration.

My husband is terrible with directions. After 15 years struggling with wrong turns and missed exits, he admitted defeat and bought a GPS device. This handy little unit has solved many arguments between my husband and me. For the most part, I have been relieved of my position as navigator and can happily enjoy the ride without worrying about whether we will actually make it to our destination. My husband is able to plug the address into the GPS and it gives him turn by turn instructions. It even has a positive reinforcement tool to let him know that he has made the right decision. It will say to continue down this road or turn in so many feet and when has made the right decision, it happily chimes like an old-fashioned door bell, “ding dong.” It is now a running joke that when he forgets his GPS, I copy the unit’s tone of voice as I give him directions and even add the little bell chime when he has listened to me correctly. It may seem silly, but we have avoided a lot of arguments this way.

If we are in control of our emotions and they are in perfectly placed within God’s truth, we are free to listen to our “still small” GPS unit called the Holy Spirit. Just like the unit, we don’t get any more instructions than what we need right in front of us. If we listen to the Holy Spirit and obey the directions God is giving us, our emotions are the little chimes that ring. In Galatians 5:22-23, we are told that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These positive feelings are our chimes that let us know we are on the right track, but they only come after we begin to follow the instructions that God gives us, not before. If we placed our emotions at the improper place, we could be easily led astray. Emotions are the trailer hitched up to our car. These positive traits are the evidence of and reward for obedience. If you have ever backed up a car with a trailer hitched up to the back, you know how difficult it can be. Just like a wayward trailer, emotions are unpredictable and can easily lead us astray. It is best to keep moving forward with the directions that we have been given.

Our faith in God fuels our car. It is what keeps us following the Holy Spirit even when we don’t understand the directions or detours He gives us. Our faith is what trusts God’s character when bad things happen. When would we ever feel like loving our enemies, blessing those who persecute us or praying for those who spitefully use us? This is an impossible task and one that cannot be driven by our emotions. After all, in Luke 9:23 Jesus said that on a daily basis we must deny ourselves, pick up our cross, and follow Him. Sometimes during hard times, I found that it is even a moment by moment choice to continue my Christian walk by faith and not by what I feel or see around me.

The final piece is God’s truth which is the engine of our car. This isn’t something that will happen overnight, but as we come to believe more and more of God’s word our emotions also begin to come into a more perfect balance. As we traverse this emotional journey together, I will share with you how God led me to emotional freedom. I didn’t always “feel” close to God, but I have learned that continued obedience and seeking God eventually leads us to breakthroughs in emotional struggles. For me, this usually occurred when I finally understand the truth that He has been trying to speak to me and believed that truth. If you have found yourself stuck emotionally, I want to encourage you to ask God to reveal the truths you need for your emotional breakthrough. I promise that on the other side is real, lasting peace and abundant living that is worth digging around inside to find.

A fly in the ointment…

I love my house! God has over-abundantly blessed my family with our dream home. I couldn’t ask for anything more and am supremely happy to come home to our house even after vacationing in a nice resort. We are so happy with our home.

There is one guest that has graced our home over the last four years that can stop me dead in my tracks. At first, she seemed to be a minor nuisance and we hoped that within a few days, our visitor would be a dried up relic to be sucked up from the window sill on an occasional basis. Much to my dismay, I now hate, absolutely loathe, detest, and abhor our little guest because somehow she always finds her way into our sealed trashcan to lay her eggs. Much to my horror, I wake up to find her wriggling, white babies with their tiny black heads inching their way into every crevice and hole in my beautiful home. You guessed it…maggots!!!

Oh, how I detest maggots! Not only for the unclean feel that they bring to my house, but because they are so difficult to get rid of. Short of tearing my house apart and moving every couch, table, chair and toy we own, no matter how long I vacuum or scour the house looking for them, I am never able to find them all. Then within a week, my house is covered with flies. They hover over food, pester us at dinner and while watching TV. At night they buzz, buzz, BUZZ EVERYWHERE! I HATE THEM!

This little house guest has graced our home once or twice a year and I have become an expert at killing flies. I have killed three at a time, killed them in midair and have impressed my kids with the accuracy and vehemence with which I attack them. Including screens on every window and door, including the garage (which is coming soon), I have considered double screens to keep the flies out. We have fly traps outside that smell like an animal has died in our trees. I have even tried fly traps in the house (those only make a sticky mess so don’t try it). The only way to keep this from happening is to dump the trashes more often than usual, keep food out of the trash and kill any fly immediately upon entry to my home.

My family has joined me in my quest to keep the flies out. If you have ever been at my house, you may have wondered why I almost screech when a screen door is left open for more than the second it takes to get outside and close it. If you have even woken up to maggots more than once, you would be as completely insane about keeping flies out as I am. Did I tell you how much I HATE flies? I was reading a passage the other day and it reminded me of my fly problem.

I Corinthians 5:6 say, “Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?” This passage is referring to a “Christian” who knew better and yet was committing a terrible evil of incest with his mother. The Corinthian church was bragging that they were superior in knowledge of God while evil was going on right under their own noses. Paul rebukes them saying that a little evil could corrupt the whole church.

I wonder why I don’t have the same attitude toward sin that I do flies. Romans 12:9 says, “Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good.” There is no doubt that sin is evil in God’s eyes and it is the one thing we are given permission to hate without question, yet I often disregard “little” sins as innocuous nuisances in my life that can be dealt with later. Pretty soon, my beautiful spirit is crawling with the maggots caused by one “small sin.” God wants me to become a hater of evil in my life. As much as it is fun to watch, my family should be more impressed with the tenacity and vehemence with which I attack sin in my life. They should be inspired by the extreme measures I take to get rid of little evils and wonder why I am so vigilant in my quest to pursue a “sin-free” rather than a “fly- free” life.

Mercy Me…What If?

I had the most horrifying experience today, so much so that at 3 in the morning I am still so revved up about it that I can’t sleep. I don’t know if I will ever get to sleep tonight even though I have already taken several sleeping remedies. It has been a long two weeks with Jaren in kindergarten and Morgan in a mommy and me preschool two days a week. My schedule was turned upside down when Jaren was mysteriously switched from the am class to the pm class. With nothing I could do about it, that meant I now had to switch Morgan’s easier one day a week preschool class to the only one available in the afternoons. She was begging me to go to school, so we are attending school twice a week for her while also spending one day a week in Jaren’s class as a helper, per the school’s requirement. To top it all off, there is homework, reading, soccer practice and games, parent orientations, back to school nights, parent teacher meetings and Morgan’s class requires we meet monthly at night.

I am also furiously creating my class curriculum for two classes I am teaching. Needless to say, I am exhausted and off my game from my schedule. I just wasn’t thinking straight and I always think straight. This week was especially trying and I was ministering to a friend who was having a difficult time. I wanted to be there for her as well. We have a few great prayer meetings together and a visit at her house today, but I was starting to get tired. I decided to run one more errand on the way home to pick up a new stroller that I ordered for Morgan.

We picked up our order and headed home. Jaren wanted to ask daddy if we could go out to eat at Jimmy’s, so we were waiting for him to come home when Jaren suggested we put the stroller together. We spent about 20 minutes assembling the stroller and then Morgan and I took it for a spin in front of the house. I parked the stroller near the strawberry bushes in the grass and we all went to look at whether there were any more strawberries for this season. After a few minutes of fiddling about with various things, I moved the stroller on the driveway and was going to take it back up with me to the house. A couple dead plants caught my eye, so I left the stroller on the driveway and went to remove them. The kids followed me, but they were too close to the edge of the road and the dog was following them. I sent them back up the driveway and bent down to pick out the last two plants.

The next moment I heard a blood curdling scream and jerked up to see Morgan in the stroller racing down the driveway. You may not know, but we have a steep driveway and a very steep road that heads down the hill and Morgan was barreling down the one heading straight for the other. I screamed her name out and ran as fast as I could, but she was going too fast. Just as she hit the end of the driveway, something flipped the stroller and she went headfirst into the pavement. I was only a second behind and grabbed her by the waist, wrenched up the stroller and ran up the driveway. As I raced up the driveway, I didn’t even look to see the damage.
I must have tossed the stroller in the garage and yelled for Jaren to get inside with the dog as I rushed inside. Morgan was still screaming and my heart was pounding. “What had I done?!”

This is the moment I have been dreading and now I have allowed one of my children to possibly irreparably hurt them self. I sat her on the kitchen sink and began to wipe away the blood. It was the most awful moment of parenting I have ever experienced. My child is hurt and I hadn’t been prepared enough to stop it, smart enough to prevent it or fast enough to halt it. Luckily, Mike came home right then and Cori-Mom and dad were able to walk me through what had to be done. It looked much worse that it was, but I can’t stop thinking about whether she has a brain trauma, fractured nose or skull or something worse. We are monitoring and doing everything right, but my thoughts condemn me. What if?

What if I hadn’t needed to do one more thing? What if I had just put the brakes on just in case when I thought about it for a split second? What if I had been able to run faster? What if I had been able to just grab the handle? This is not a new fear that began with the birth of my children, but it is born from an old fear that has remained from my mother’s death, which is the biggest what if of all. What if it happens again? I know when my racing and anxious thoughts are beginning to rule me, but what if my greatest fear of losing my child, husband or family member ever happens? What if? The reality is that there is no guarantee that God wouldn’t decide to remove his hand of protection to allow something to happen to someone I love. This is not an irrational fear and no truth from the Word can combat this right? It could absolutely happen, so what if?

I have been writing lessons for a class I am teaching called Pathways to Emotional Freedom. I had all these tools fresh in my brain about taking your thoughts captive, praying against the spirits of fear and dealing with past hurts, so I changed my “What ifs”. What if she hadn’t fallen and had continued to careen into the street or down the even steeper hill? What if she had slammed into something going at a much faster speed? What if a car had been coming down the road at that same time? What if I hadn’t been able to get to her as fast I did because I was further up the driveway instead of at the bottom? What if it had been worse?

Lamentations 3:21-23 says, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Notice the first part of the verse. The author recalls to mind something positive about the Lord and that recollection changes his thoughts and ultimately changes his heart. The author’s circumstances have not changed, the possibilities and what if’s are still there, but now there is a God big enough to handle them. Verse 32 says, “But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving-kindness and tender mercy.”

Where there was pain, now there is hope. In Hebrews 11:1, hope is described as a product of faith. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Fear is the exact opposite. It is the substance of things “not hoped for”, the evidence of things not seen. The author of Lamentations could have continued to dwell on the negative, but he remembers that the Lord has mercy on us and therefore has hope. This hope is one that is set on the ONE who is in control. I have no control over anything except my ability to have faith in God. It is a focus on His character that brings hope that even when He allows grief to happen he is still working within His character of compassion, loving-kindness and tender mercy. What may hurt me, will not harm me if I allow Him to have it and works something good into the pain.

This faith is irrational because it trusts and believes anyway or in spite of pain, loss and tragedy. This is true faith, a faith that transcends fear. It hopes in things that are unseen even when there is something rational to fear. It is a faith based on God’s character not the circumstances of the world. The only what if that should really scare me, is what if I don’t have that faith when I need really need it. Mercy me…what if?

The Not so Lazy River Part 2

When I chose to become a Christ follower, I hopped in the river with little or no preparation, planning, or knowledge of what lay ahead. I just expected that someone else who had traveled the road before me would help lead the way. I packed up my bible, laid it on my night stand and attended church with little regard to the change it would require me to make. For a while, life was fine and I floated along quite peacefully. Then I started to hit lower waters and my inadequate faith, poor relationship with the God and sin started to trip me up. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get myself out. The Christian life is anything but a lazy river adventure. After we become Christians, we can’t expect that we can just jump in the river and not encounter things that life throws at us. What we can expect is that Christ has given us the wisdom, power and help we need to overcome these hurdles. The catch is that we have to utilize the things He has given us BEFORE we encounter trouble.

The entire chapter of Hebrews 12 is a study in the fervency in which I should pursue my faith. Hebrews 12:1b starts by saying, “… let us also lay side every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…” Just as there were preparations I should have made for my river trip, there are preparations I need to make in my Christian walk. One of the preparations I can make is to let go of the things that are going to get me caught up as I travel along. Sin not only slows me down, but it can hold me back. Thankfully, God does not require us to have all our sins taken care of before we become his children, and there will always be more sin to remove as we travel the Christian life. However, bitterness, preferring the delights of the flesh and refusing to listen to the Holy Spirit are essential hindrances we need to get rid of first. They can keep us from even getting started in the first place.

Throughout the chapter, the author also describes things that trip us up. These are things that could cause me to slip and fall if my feet weren’t properly prepared (like being stranded in the river without proper footwear). Eph 6:15 says to, “shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace.” Any hiker, soldier or runner knows that without proper footwear it is impossible to finish the race. Our proper footwear is to be prepared with the gospel of peace. One commentary suggests that it is the, “patient investigation, calm inquiry, assiduous, laborious, lasting; or with firm footing in the gospel of peace.” In other words, we should know the word of God. If we were armed with the knowledge of the gospel, discouragement, weariness, hostility of others toward the faithful, the discipline of the Lord and burdens of afflictions would not trip us up. We would know their place in our walk and be able to grip tightly to His truth. The commentary concludes by saying, “like the boots worn by soldiers, [the gospel] would bear them safe through many obstructions and trials that might be opposed to them, as a soldier might encounter sharp-pointed thorns that would oppose his progress.” I certainly learned that lesson not only in the river and discovered the value of being properly shod.

Then verse 12 says, “Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees,.” This is an interesting passage and I had to do a little research to discover its meaning. One commentary said that the words are an address to persons almost worn out with sickness and fatigue, whose hands hang down, whose knees shake, and who are totally discouraged. These are exhorted to exert themselves, and take courage, with the assurance that they shall infallibly conquer if they persevere. During the course of our river adventure, my sisters and I were constantly encouraging one another to continue on, calling back where the safe paths were to travel and waiting until we had all caught up. At the end when only one of us was left, she alone soldiered on. Our faithful sister worried so much that she didn’t even notice the wounds she received on the way. Sometimes in our walk we need to just take courage and keep moving.


Verses 13 says, “and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. “ That is, take the straight path that is before you, do not go in crooked or rough ways, where are stones, briers, and thorns, by which you will be inevitably lamed, and so totally prevented from proceeding in the way; whereas, if you go in the even, proper path, though you have been wounded by getting into a wrong way, that which was wounded will be healed by moderate, equal exercise, all impediments being removed. We certainly had taken the wrong path in our adventure when we tried to exit the river and without proper footwear, I did encounter thorns that made me unable to continue. Had we kept on the river, we would have discovered we only had to walk a few hundred feet or more to the end.

Finally, verse 15 says, “looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;” Thankfully, my sisters and I did something right on our trip. We traveled together. When we travel together with other believers, we help pull each other along and watch out for trouble.

The Christian walk is an adventure, but it shouldn’t be all rock and no river. If we are properly prepared in our relationship with God, we can withstand anything the river throws at us.

The Not so Lazy River Part 1

It was a sister weekend with four women who hadn’t all been together in over a year. I must warn you that us sisters get a little crazy when we are together. On this occasion we were in Portland and decided that a day on the river sounded just the thing for a sister weekend in July. So we headed out to a tributary of the Columbia River, loaded up our food in a cooler to float alongside and headed downstream. However, we were not prepared for what awaited us. You may be thinking, “Oh no, they hit rapids.” No, that would be a cool adventure. What we encountered was terrible….duh, duh, duh… planning. We wore completely inappropriate footwear, didn’t plan for how we were going to get back to our car, how long it would take to get down the river and had the most awful floating devices for this type of river.

As we floated down the river, we were fine for a while, but the season’s low water flow had rendered the previously full river a little on the low side. It wasn’t long before our bottoms were dragging in the sand while we clung to the floaties that were being wrenched from our hands by the lower, but faster moving water. As we tried to stand up and navigate the river’s alternating sandy and slippery rocks, in flip flops of all things, you could hear four grown gals screeching and yelling over one another in an attempt to help each other while simultaneously trying to help ourselves. If we had been prepared, we could have walked back up to the car at the first sign of trouble, but we didn’t know how far down the river we were. As there were several people who had gone on before us, we were hoping one of them could give us a ride, so we decided to try and get down the river faster to catch up with them.

As we went along, it seemed to get better for a time and then we hit a long patch of low water. The water was moving fast, we were slipping all over the place and our lazy river trip was slowly going downhill. We couldn’t decide what to do next because as far as the eye could see downstream, the way was rocky. What we did see in our immediate view was what looked like a small incline that led up a bank to the road. This was mistake number two. Our flip flops were woefully wet and traction free, so on our way up the incline we were slipping and sliding, gear in hand up the sandy bank. Halfway up, we looked around and noticed we were near a blackberry bush full to the brim with blackberries. We happily munched on our find, glad to take a break until I made the clever decision to take off my flip flops to get better traction up the hill. Not living in Portland, I didn’t realize that blackberry bushes have thorns and that those thorns fall off and get covered by sandy slope as four girls in flip flops try to haul themselves up the hill. I dug my foot into the sand and boy did I get something to grip. Yes, for my trouble, I received several large thorns imbedded in my right foot.

We could have turned around and went back down the river before this point, but now I was bleeding and could barely walk. My youngest sister had also twisted her ankle the day before and was unable to walk down the river, so we kept heading up. Finally at the top of the embankment, we noticed a large, “No Trespassing” sign tacked to a tree. We had climbed the cliff only to land ourselves in someone’s private backyard. I am not a particularly brave person, so the thought of being trapped in Portland where there could be crazy people with guns didn’t appeal to me. We skirted around the edge of the gated property looking for a way out. Luckily, the owners either didn’t see us or opened the gate to set us vermin free.

We had made it to “freedom” on the side of the road. We still didn’t know how far a walk it would be back to the car and two of us were out of commission. Sister number one and sister number three bravely decided they were fit enough to make the two mile walk back to the car. Both are amazingly strong and know a bit of self defense, so they felt prepared to walk back to the car in flip flops and bathing suits, while sister number four and I sat on the side of the small road in our bathing suits with all the gear. What happened next was relayed to me by sister number three who only made it one mile to the car before her weird flip flops made her unable to walk anymore. She was left on the side of the road to wait while my oldest sister bravely soldiered on.

Sister number one was the last one standing, but she was starting to worry about the rest of us littering the side of the road in only our bathing suits. So she decided to jog the rest of the way in flip flops and a bathing suit. She was so worried in fact, that she didn’t notice that her feet were rubbed raw by her flip flops and were bleeding as well. She said her only thought was, “I have to save my sisters!” That should tell you a little something about her personality. She finally did make it back and picked up the rest of us along the way and now we have this incredible story to tell you about our lazy river adventure.

What I learned about this adventure taught me a little something about life…the Christian life to be more precise. I wonder how often I complained about the troubles I encountered in my walk with Christ that were direct results of my own actions. In the past, I know I complained A LOT. When I look back during those times, it often resembles my not so lazy river adventure.

Stay tuned for part 2....

Writing Opportunity

OK, so all my previous posts have been writings that had been sitting around for a while. I have been rewriting and editing the roughs I scratched out and have been slowly posting them. A month or so ago, I met with my pastor's wife about the desire to develop my writing and teaching talents. I asked her to mentor me into a leadership position fully expecting her to say, "Let's first start by setting up some chairs" or other small ministry. What she actually said was, "You don't need to be mentored, we just need to start your own ministry and you can learn as you go."

After I picked myself off the floor, I was equally excited and nauseous at the same time. After a year praying about what God wanted me to do with these talents, I didn't know if I was ready to just jump right in. Well, I had opened the door and ask God to reveal what he wanted me to do and He did, so I kept going. We discussed the different needs of the church, created a survey at a women's event and prayed about God's leading.

Over the next couple of weeks, God confirmed the same theme in conversations with friends, family, leadership and random people. Everyone was saying the same thing....people need help with emotional struggles. This is interesting because that has been the running theme of my personal and spiritual growth. Once we made the decision, the words started flowing. It is awesome to see God providing direction and bringing the right words together.

So, starting the first of October I will be teaching a class I call "Pathways to Emotional Wholeness." (if you have a better name, I would be happy to consider it). So for a while, I will be busily researching and writing the material for the class instead of posting. There are many of you who may be interested in either the topic or what God is doing with my writing. Starting in October, I will be posting my materials. If you want, you could follow along with the class and even complete the weekly homework.

I hope you will consider joining the class online and thank you all for reading my blogs so far. I find it awesome how God answers prayer as soon as we decide to get moving in the right direction.

Here are the topics for each week:

1. Week One - Past Things First: A Biblical Perspective on Counseling
2. Week Two - The Mind Body Connection: How your thoughts affect your emotions and how your emotions affect your body
3. Week Three - Boundaries: Drawing appropriate emotional lines
4. Week Four - “Know Thyself”: Understanding who you were created to be
5. Week Five - Our Heavenly Parent: Understanding emotions, sin and God’s Discipline
6. Week Six - The Road to the Wound: Healing Trauma with Truth
7. Week Seven - This Present Darkness: Preparing for the battle around us
8. Week Eight - Fighting the good fight: Using our tools and the attributes of emotional health

I hope to see you here!

Farah

Turn, Turn, Turn Part 2

Back then I would have completely agreed with you that I was the last person that should have been having a kid. I was terrified to death that I was going to ruin my child for life. After all, how can you be a good parent when you don’t even want a child? I kept hoping for that magic moment that all my friends talked about. You know the ones in the movies when you see the little alien baby on the monitor for the first time and you look at your husband with loving eyes at the child you have created together. No, not that one? What about the time you look at your growing belly, feel the life growing inside you and love springs up before they ever arrive. No, not that one either? Then how about the time they kick out your insides when you are watching a TV show they don’t approve of until it feels like you are being disemboweled? Hmmm…ok. What about the fully rendered 4D video and sound quality movie set to music you pay over $200 dollars for so you can see your child’s face and hands in perfect detail? Phew…that one sparked an emotion? Me too!

Anyway, where was I? A yes, I was talking about my complete lack of qualifications for parenting or writing about being a parent. I had been bawling on and off for 9 months before my son was born, trying everything possible to spark a sense of joy about our coming arrival, but all I could think about was how bad a mother I was going to be, if I would ever be able to love my child and how I was doomed to ruin his life forever. My dad later said that he knew I would be a wonderful mother because I was so maternal toward animals. I am glad he believed in me because besides him and three other people, I don’t know another person who honestly believed I was qualified either. Even if they did believe in my parenting abilities, I think they were with me about being supremely scared and worried about how it was going to all turn out.

Even when I brought my son home from the hospital for the first time, I cried. I can’t tell you the havoc that did to my thoughts about being a bad mother. After 5 painful days in the hospital with minor complications from the c-section, I was sent home. Wouldn’t you know my son decided to complicate my emotional life more by refusing to breastfeed despite six highly qualified lactation consultants helping me! My husband brought all our gear downstairs because I couldn’t navigate the stairs yet. All the while, I was sitting on the couch holding my son bawling like a baby. I looked up at him with my tear-drenched face and said, “What do we do with him now?” My husband burst out laughing, but I was serious. I hadn’t the first clue about what to do and with no mom around to help, I was utterly defeated. My worst fear had come true. I was already a bad mother and I hadn’t even been home 5 minutes yet.

Not knowing what to do I mimicked the behavior of all things motherly from every source I could get my hands on whether it was church, other parents, my sisters, relatives, friends, books, seminars or magazines. I tried them all. I knew that one of them was bound to work. Until I felt the feelings, I was faithful to at least do the things that I should do to support my child physically, emotionally and spiritually. I didn’t realize that all the time and energy I was spending with my son trying to be the perfect mom was building a relationship with him. Before I knew it I had been transformed.

Now almost 6 years after that first pregnancy test, I can see God’s hand in my life all through my pregnancy and child raising. It often amazes me how God carried me through, provided support, brought healing and most importantly gave me an unshakeable love for my children. My sister commented after I had my son, how my attitude changed towards all children. Before I cringed and was outright hostile towards kids, but afterward my heart was so softened towards parents and children. Every baby was beautiful and every mom was in need of tremendous emotional support. I can only explain this change in the light of God’s mercy. Although I was fiercely protective of my son at first, I didn’t have those instant feelings of love, bonding and affection for him. Initially, my main motivator was to "not fail" and "to be a good mom", whatever that meant. I won’t tell you the actual time it took for me to lay aside those fears of becoming a bad mother, because the process may seem too long to you. However, God and I were working furiously on the problem (and I knew it was a problem).

What had been a mistake on our end had never been a mistake on God’s end. He had planned and purposed the birth of my son before the world began. I learned that the God who did that wouldn’t allow me to ruin my child’s life and more importantly would teach me how to love my children. God had a plan for my child and a plan for me through that child. Before children, I would have rarely changed something about myself that was sin. I had been holding onto my fears like a precious commodity. I allowed my fears to run my life and taint my view of children. My fears were so strong that wherever they swung, I followed, and they had me by the coat tails. There was no room for God with all the fear I held on to and so I didn’t change. I was too afraid to change. It was too painful and my fears were my children. I comforted them, cared for them and nurtured them.

After I had kids, I was supremely motivated to change and would tackle any mountain of sin in my life that needed tackling. My children were my motivation. My fear of causing them great emotional pain drove me to change. Eventually that fear turned into love. Self-preservation and love of my fear were driven out by a love for God and a love for my children. I would change for them what I would have stubbornly clung to before. I would do for my kids what I would never have done for myself and God in His infinite grace, wisdom and truth knew this about me. Can I get a Hallelujah!?

He knew that the only way He was going to get me on my knees was to give me the very challenging, out of my control fear-filled situation I dreaded. And yet, what a blessing it has been! Not only have my children blessed my family with their lives and blessed me with their love, but I have become so much more of a blessing to every single person I encounter because the light of God shines through me. What an awesome God we serve! I can’t imagine life without my fun son and my sweet daughter. What I considered to be the biggest mistake God ever made was turned into something beautiful. God is not always going to work the same in everyone’s life. My pain of having children may be your pain of not having children or losing a child. My fear of ruining my child’s life may be a fear of another color in your life, but I can assure you that God’s timing is never off and His plans are always good! He will make something beautiful, but only in His time, in His way and in His perfect plan.

Turn, Turn, Turn Part 1

(Hang tight with me to the end on this one. Part two to come...)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 “God gave us the ability to think about his world. But we can never completely understand everything God does. And yet, God does everything at just the right time.” The Amplified Version of this verse says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “I say this because I know the plans that I have for you." This message is from the Lord. "I have good plans for you. I don't plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future.”

I never intended to have children….EVER! Throughout my life, my dad often told me that I was born thirty and it showed when it came to kids. The older I got, the more I found childish antics irritating. I grew up with three sisters, of whom, I was the second child but was as responsible as a first child. My mother ran a daycare until I was in 6th grade and often 10 other children graced our home. Back in the early 80’s when childcare laws in the Midwest were much more lax and you could legally spank daycare children, which maybe made it much easier to watch 14 children. Although my mom was very organized it was still chaotic in a kid sort of way. My mother also took in a cousin starting at age two and she lived with us on and off throughout her life. Later during high school, our little neighbor practically lived with my younger sisters as they played together so often at our house. Then my oldest sister decided to “adopt” a teen in crisis and we were all enlisted into the drama of helping this wayward girl.

Then there were countless hours spent assisting in various children’s ministries at church when there weren’t enough volunteers. Let’s see, there was endless nursery duty, the toddler room, children’s church, high school leadership team and a two year stint as the junior high director where I lead a team of volunteers, taught two days a week and attended all functions. Let’s not go into the babysitting days which started as early as 10 when I would watch our neighbor kids while their mom went to the grocery store. As a parent now, I can’t imagine allowing a 10 year old to watch my children, so I was either responsible or they were nuts. Then I spent every day for a month or so babysitting a family friend’s two week old baby. Oh, I almost forgot about my summer fling filling in for a preschool aid at my church preschool. I think that covers everything imaginable right? Well, everything except pregnancy, but after my mom’s chats with countless friends who graced our home with their pregnancy woes that illusion was shattered as well.

I had probably more than 10 years of childcare or child work experience before I ever got married and I was very tired of watching kids. There were a lot more reasons behind this, but it started out as a complete desire NOT to watch kids ever again. I had never been much of a kid and spending so much of my childhood caring for other people’s children gave me a real inside look. Have you ever been to a magic show and had the secret to the spectacular trick revealed, or seen your favorite star without her makeup and flaws airbrushed out. These Wizard of Oz moments where you get a glimpse at the man behind the curtain really deflate all the magic, mystery and glitter. You almost need that bubble around you before you have kids or you would have been just like me and declared on your wedding day that you “will not allow children to be present at your wedding or the rehearsal because they ruin everything”. Then afterward you would tell your husband you “really don’t care to have children”, while deep down inside you are sitting down with arms folded ready to put a chastity belt on until he agrees that having children is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.

Let me be very clear that I had absolutely no illusions as to how much work raising a child would be. I knew what happened during every stage of parenting and had “been there, done that” many times over or so I thought. I was not eager to do that again, EVER. At times, I was downright hostile towards parents and their “little demon spawn.” I may have tolerably fooled people with my sarcastic remarks, but I wasn’t kidding. I was almost venomous about children and didn’t want to be anywhere within a hundred yards of the “creatures.”

Of course, when I got married and declared my utter lack of interest in all things children, my family blew me off and laughed. Maybe they didn’t understand the intensity of my “no children EVER” policy. Then friends would tell me “other people’s children are so much different than your own.” I would scoff inside as they moved blissfully unaware into pregnancy. Then I would laugh to myself when they started to complain about how much harder it was than they thought and how they were so tired all the time and how they never got to do anything anymore…..whine, whine, whine. I laughed because I had warned them and they never listened. What could I know? I didn’t have kids, right?

At age 24, my husband and I were two months away from convincing our doctor that we in fact did not want children EVER, when the unthinkable occurred. I got pregnant. And if I told you the juvenile way we got pregnant you would laugh your head off. Folks and I am not naming names here, but let’s just say that after the first time all the swimmy guys are NOT all gone when the second time rolls around. Ok, laugh, get it out...and then let’s move on. I knew it had happened before I even got in the shower and as we used to say in the Midwest I was hoppin’ mad. Six weeks and four pregnancy tests later, it was confirmed. I cried like a baby for the whole 9 months and then some.

Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS WOMAN WRITING ABOUT THIS FOR?” Just hold on, there is a happy ending! I just need to you to understand to depths of my insanity first. I know, I know... I was awful.

Things from the Deep

Psalm 121:1-8 “I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day or the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.”

I had taken a week off, dropped the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa’s house and flown from San Diego to Portland to visit my younger sister, Christa. My older sister, Nicole, had joined us from Spokane and we decided to hang out on the sandy edge of the Willamette River. Nicole was training for a triathlon and wanted to practice swimming in the slow moving river. Although there was nothing to be afraid of, the water below was murky, confusing and often frightening when slimy river weeds brushed up against her. She also couldn’t see as she swam. It was only when she lifted her head out of the water to take a breath that she could see in front of her.

I offered to walk ahead of her in the 3 1/2 foot water to pave the way. I ran through the water a distance ahead and cleared the water of plants or sticks that might scare her during the swim. Until I got the hang of going before her and clearing the way, we had a number of screaming incidents that probably amused the local sunbathers that day. Every so often I would get too far ahead and she couldn’t see me when she lifted her eyes up. If she couldn’t see me anymore she would completely stop for fear that she had gone off path and swam too far out. I eventually got into a rhythm and was able to walk just enough ahead that I could spot and remove offending objects but still be close enough so that she could see me every time she came up for air. As long as I did this, she was able to swim continuously and train harder than she would have been able to otherwise.

As I walked along, I thought about a few verses that describe how God does this in my life every day. Isaiah 45:2a says, “I will go before you and level the mountains [to make the crooked places straight.” Isaiah 52:12b says, “For the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” I love these verses because they describe God going before us and behind us. We are supremely protected in our walk with Christ because He has gone before us in everything we will experience. He knows what is to come and has gone before to clear the way. Equally, God is behind us protecting us from harm.

I am especially fond of Psalm 121. It is extremely comforting to know that God is not in the business of tripping us up, sleeping on the job, letting us slip, falling behind, neglecting to protect us from evil or abandoning his post. There have been many times in my life where I have forgotten to lift my eyes up from the murky waters of life I have been swimming in, but had I done so I would have found God ahead of me preparing the way. I often wonder where the help that God promises is, and I don’t remember that his help comes in many forms. Sometimes he is a shade, sometimes he protects from evil, other times he removes obstacles or stands guard. Whatever form that help does come and I can rest assured that “God is who He says He is” and “God can do what He says He can do” (Beth Moore, Believing God). We just need to believe that He is guarding our coming in and going out. He is ahead of us; we just need to lift our eyes out of the muck and swim straight for Him.

Additional Reference: Isa 43:15-21

Trust is the Stuff

2 Sam 22:31 says, “As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.”

When my son was little, he could pierce eardrums whenever the tiniest drop of water landed in his face. When I washed his hair, he would thrash around, duck his head, and writhe. With his antics, it was impossible NOT to get water on his face. Then I had an idea. I laid him in shallow water and rested his head on my arm. I spoke to him until he relaxed. “Don’t I always take care of you? Trust me to take care of you.” When he was relaxed and trusted me, the transformation was miraculous. He giggled, laughed, and had fun washing his hair. Until my son stopped thrashing and started trusting, I couldn’t take care of him. His own actions always caused the very thing to happen he feared the most. It was only when he was still and allowed me to work that I could do what I needed to do without harming him.

In this verse, God implies the same question, “Haven’t I always taken care of you?” After reading this, I knew that God wanted me to stop struggling and trust Him. He couldn’t do what He needed to do in my life until I was still, until I came to the end of myself, until I realized that He could wash me clean so much better. Only when I was still could God do what He needed to do in my life. If I stop struggling, life doesn’t have to be so hard. His shield will protect me if I stop fighting for myself and let Him fight for me.

Trust God to take care of you. He is the answer to your struggle.