I was leading my bible study, we were viewing a Beth Moore video, and she said something that struck me.
She said that with the new covenant of Christ, God prioritized the internal work over the external working of miracles. When God doesn't perform a "miracle" or work in our timing, we can be confident that He is still at work in our lives, internally. He wants us to go somewhere, but is working on something that must go, so that we can go where He wants us to go.
She also said that there was never an adopted child that wasn't completely loved. After all the trouble it took to finally get that child, how could anyone ever doubt the love of the parents for their child. Then she talked about how we are adopted children and after all God went through to redeem us, how could we ever think we weren't completely loved.
God often takes us to places we have never chosen, but we we finally arrive we can look back and see how He was with us every step of the way. We will know that we were truly loved even in the hard times. God will use your struggles in an amazing way, either to draw you closer to Him or draw something from you that is hindering His work.
Let go of what needs to be gone, so you can get going to where you are supposed to be. Be confident that He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it. He will make your paths straight and show you the way to go. If you are His child, He is on your side and will never let you go.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The God of the Desert Places - Part 1
The God of the Desert Places
Psalms 23
“1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
The famous 23rd Psalm was written by King David. His life before becoming king was anything but grand. He spent much of his time alone in the wilderness watching over his father’s sheep herds. After his childhood in the desert as a shepherd boy, David returned to the wilderness when the then king, Saul, wanted to kill him. Later, David returned again to the desert when his own son, Absalom, sought to murder him to take possession of the throne. I imagine that life in Israel’s wilderness was not a pleasant place to live whether David was a shepherd boy with no shelter, the chosen one on the run from a powerful madman or the king of Israel.
During a recent visit to the San Diego Natural History Museum, photographs of Israel were displayed along walls of the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit. If I hadn’t known the pictures were of Israel, I could have easily mistaken them for Southern California where I live. I live inland where it is most similar to Israel. It is hot and dry during the longer than average summer and that summer bleeds into the spring and fall here. Summer often shows itself in March and lingers until well after Halloween, sometimes remaining hot into December. For me, the summer months seem to drag on and bring a desperate longing for cooler weather. Every year I look forward to the end of summer. While others are lamenting the grey skies and rainy winter weather, I look forward to the heat letting up. I like to snuggle into my warm clothes, sit in a Jacuzzi or cuddle up to a crackling fire.
Perhaps David’s wilderness had the same hot and arid weather that seems to suck the life right from your bones. What I do know is that David longed for cool waters and soft grasses to comfort him. The climate where he lived brought him a longing for still waters and lush meadows. Like me, he must have welcomed the refreshing night breezes after a particularly hot day.
Even though he may have never looked forward to the desert, perhaps David understood the benefit of the desert for his sheep. As a shepherd, he would have led his father’s sheep through the desert to find new pastures and watering holes. His sheep would have learned how to follow him closely in the rocky terrain to survive until they reached the lush valleys, green pastures and refreshing waters. It was during their desert treks that the sheep learned surefooted skills, developed hardiness and the ability to withstand the harsh conditions of the high desert. It was there that they learned to follow their shepherd. Only he knew the way to the good valleys.
The children of Israel were the ultimate desert dwellers. After their exodus from Egypt they needed to cross the sandy Sahara Desert to get to the Promised Land. What should have been a three week journey lasted 40 years. A whole nation’s lack of faith, grumbling and complaining led God to banish them to the desert where they wandered for 40 years. He even declared that they would stay there until all the unbelieving had passed away. They had been so focused on the desert that they forgot who God really was. I am sure they never came to appreciate their desert because as soon as Joshua and Caleb brought them out of the desert they began their complaining all over again. The “giant” men that God asked them to confront on the way to the Promised Land seemed to overwhelm their faith.
Jesus even had a time of testing in the wilderness before his ministry could begin. For 40 days and nights, Satan was allowed to test him. Jesus was eventually found worthy of the calling God had sent him to earth to fulfill and became the ultimate gift to humanity, but I don’t think he enjoyed it.
I often wonder whether David ever came to appreciate the desert. I don’t think he did. After all, who in their right mind raises their hands in God’s classroom and says, “Ooh, Ooh. Pick me. I want to go to the desert.” Not one of the desert experiences written about in the Bible are spoke of endearingly. The times of testing, desert trials and wilderness experiences are not spoken of with fond reverence. I don’t think anyone enjoys their desert experiences. It just isn’t a fun place to live. I struggle with living in the desert, not only physically but spiritually. Desert experiences are difficult. They are trying. They are painful. Yet each one of us goes through desert times in our lives. Everyone experiences seasons of drought, wavering faith, loneliness, and sometimes just plain evil attacks.
stay tuned for part 2....
Psalms 23
“1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
The famous 23rd Psalm was written by King David. His life before becoming king was anything but grand. He spent much of his time alone in the wilderness watching over his father’s sheep herds. After his childhood in the desert as a shepherd boy, David returned to the wilderness when the then king, Saul, wanted to kill him. Later, David returned again to the desert when his own son, Absalom, sought to murder him to take possession of the throne. I imagine that life in Israel’s wilderness was not a pleasant place to live whether David was a shepherd boy with no shelter, the chosen one on the run from a powerful madman or the king of Israel.
During a recent visit to the San Diego Natural History Museum, photographs of Israel were displayed along walls of the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit. If I hadn’t known the pictures were of Israel, I could have easily mistaken them for Southern California where I live. I live inland where it is most similar to Israel. It is hot and dry during the longer than average summer and that summer bleeds into the spring and fall here. Summer often shows itself in March and lingers until well after Halloween, sometimes remaining hot into December. For me, the summer months seem to drag on and bring a desperate longing for cooler weather. Every year I look forward to the end of summer. While others are lamenting the grey skies and rainy winter weather, I look forward to the heat letting up. I like to snuggle into my warm clothes, sit in a Jacuzzi or cuddle up to a crackling fire.
Perhaps David’s wilderness had the same hot and arid weather that seems to suck the life right from your bones. What I do know is that David longed for cool waters and soft grasses to comfort him. The climate where he lived brought him a longing for still waters and lush meadows. Like me, he must have welcomed the refreshing night breezes after a particularly hot day.
Even though he may have never looked forward to the desert, perhaps David understood the benefit of the desert for his sheep. As a shepherd, he would have led his father’s sheep through the desert to find new pastures and watering holes. His sheep would have learned how to follow him closely in the rocky terrain to survive until they reached the lush valleys, green pastures and refreshing waters. It was during their desert treks that the sheep learned surefooted skills, developed hardiness and the ability to withstand the harsh conditions of the high desert. It was there that they learned to follow their shepherd. Only he knew the way to the good valleys.
The children of Israel were the ultimate desert dwellers. After their exodus from Egypt they needed to cross the sandy Sahara Desert to get to the Promised Land. What should have been a three week journey lasted 40 years. A whole nation’s lack of faith, grumbling and complaining led God to banish them to the desert where they wandered for 40 years. He even declared that they would stay there until all the unbelieving had passed away. They had been so focused on the desert that they forgot who God really was. I am sure they never came to appreciate their desert because as soon as Joshua and Caleb brought them out of the desert they began their complaining all over again. The “giant” men that God asked them to confront on the way to the Promised Land seemed to overwhelm their faith.
Jesus even had a time of testing in the wilderness before his ministry could begin. For 40 days and nights, Satan was allowed to test him. Jesus was eventually found worthy of the calling God had sent him to earth to fulfill and became the ultimate gift to humanity, but I don’t think he enjoyed it.
I often wonder whether David ever came to appreciate the desert. I don’t think he did. After all, who in their right mind raises their hands in God’s classroom and says, “Ooh, Ooh. Pick me. I want to go to the desert.” Not one of the desert experiences written about in the Bible are spoke of endearingly. The times of testing, desert trials and wilderness experiences are not spoken of with fond reverence. I don’t think anyone enjoys their desert experiences. It just isn’t a fun place to live. I struggle with living in the desert, not only physically but spiritually. Desert experiences are difficult. They are trying. They are painful. Yet each one of us goes through desert times in our lives. Everyone experiences seasons of drought, wavering faith, loneliness, and sometimes just plain evil attacks.
stay tuned for part 2....
Monday, June 23, 2008
Help God, Help You
1 Corinthians 2:6-16
God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
When I teach my children something for the first time, I utilize a number of methods to help them understand. I can explain or demonstrate a skill, but often they learn best when I physically show them how something is done. I get down on their level and move their body to mimic the behavior. They learn everything more quickly, whether it is how to hug a sister gently, hold a pencil, wash a dish or pump their legs on a swing. They often don’t understand until they ‘feel’ how it is supposed to be done.
John 14:26 says, “The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you.” God is in our midst helping us learn spiritual truths. He takes a hands-on approach to our learning. By allowing the Holy Spirit to control our lives, He can move within our spirit to mimic Christ’s behavior. He teaches us how to move before we feel how to we are supposed to live.
Acts 1:8 says “When the Holy Spirit comes upon you; you will be filled with power.” The key word in this verse is ‘when.’ God promises that He has already given us help in the person of the Holy Spirit. We already have the power we need. If we believe in Christ and allow the Holy Spirit’s power to live in us, He is faithful to show us how to live.
God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
When I teach my children something for the first time, I utilize a number of methods to help them understand. I can explain or demonstrate a skill, but often they learn best when I physically show them how something is done. I get down on their level and move their body to mimic the behavior. They learn everything more quickly, whether it is how to hug a sister gently, hold a pencil, wash a dish or pump their legs on a swing. They often don’t understand until they ‘feel’ how it is supposed to be done.
John 14:26 says, “The Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything and make you remember all that I have told you.” God is in our midst helping us learn spiritual truths. He takes a hands-on approach to our learning. By allowing the Holy Spirit to control our lives, He can move within our spirit to mimic Christ’s behavior. He teaches us how to move before we feel how to we are supposed to live.
Acts 1:8 says “When the Holy Spirit comes upon you; you will be filled with power.” The key word in this verse is ‘when.’ God promises that He has already given us help in the person of the Holy Spirit. We already have the power we need. If we believe in Christ and allow the Holy Spirit’s power to live in us, He is faithful to show us how to live.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Life is Like Bowling
Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us,
A year or so ago, my bible study group decided to go bowling for a bonding event. None of us were very good, but we thought it would be a fun way to get to know one another. Little did we suspect that we had picked league night for our little adventure. As I watched our group, I noticed how differently each person threw the ball. Every stride, throw, and release was unique to each bowler. Some walked slowly to the lane and release awkwardly while others lobbed the ball high into the air before it landed into the lane with an ear-pounding thud.
In our embarrassment, we began to look around us at the seasoned bowlers on the league teams for tips. Although each league team bowled differently, they were precise in their walk, stance and throw. Their bodies were under their control, so that when the ball was released, it would glide down the lane and solidly hit the pins. Since most of us had not bowled in many years and we were a little embarrassed to be bowling next to the league bowlers. After our one game, we quickly left and spent the rest of the time talking in the deli.
Like those league bowlers, I also tend to look for a perfect spin on life. I want a life-fulfilling job, a completely understanding spouse, angelic children, a self-cleaning house and always supportive friends, but my searching is useless when I am out of control on the inside. My life spins out of control because I am not correctly positioned on the inside. When I started to correct my inside life and aligned it with God’s Word, I realized that God had already given me everything I needed. I just couldn’t see it when I was in the way. Like bowling, I must correct my spin to win.
A year or so ago, my bible study group decided to go bowling for a bonding event. None of us were very good, but we thought it would be a fun way to get to know one another. Little did we suspect that we had picked league night for our little adventure. As I watched our group, I noticed how differently each person threw the ball. Every stride, throw, and release was unique to each bowler. Some walked slowly to the lane and release awkwardly while others lobbed the ball high into the air before it landed into the lane with an ear-pounding thud.
In our embarrassment, we began to look around us at the seasoned bowlers on the league teams for tips. Although each league team bowled differently, they were precise in their walk, stance and throw. Their bodies were under their control, so that when the ball was released, it would glide down the lane and solidly hit the pins. Since most of us had not bowled in many years and we were a little embarrassed to be bowling next to the league bowlers. After our one game, we quickly left and spent the rest of the time talking in the deli.
Like those league bowlers, I also tend to look for a perfect spin on life. I want a life-fulfilling job, a completely understanding spouse, angelic children, a self-cleaning house and always supportive friends, but my searching is useless when I am out of control on the inside. My life spins out of control because I am not correctly positioned on the inside. When I started to correct my inside life and aligned it with God’s Word, I realized that God had already given me everything I needed. I just couldn’t see it when I was in the way. Like bowling, I must correct my spin to win.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Out of the Mouth of Babes and Donkeys
Numbers 22:22-35
In the past, I didn’t allow many people to speak God’s truth into my life. Unable to accept criticism and godly wisdom, no one could say anything about my actions, attitudes, or decisions. I was in a hurry too much of the time to hear from God either. It wasn’t until my son was born that I changed. One day, my son asked, “Mommy, why are you angry a lot?”
Ouch! What a kick in the gut from a three-year-old.
One servant of God had this problem too. In Numbers 22, a king asked Balaam to curse the Israelites, but God told Balaam ‘No’ because Israel had His blessing. When the king heard Balaam’s answer, he sent another group of leaders to persuade him. God told Balaam to get ready to go, but not to do anything until He spoke again. Balaam didn’t listen and went ahead on his donkey. On the way, his donkey started acting up. Balaam was angry enough to kill the donkey. Then God opened the donkey’s mouth to speak about Balaam’s actions. God, allow Balaam to see the angel that had been blocking the animal’s path and Balaam was ashamed.
God seeks our change with such tenacity. He loves so much that He will use any approach to get truth into our lives. God is powerful enough to use my family, church, husband, an unbeliever, a donkey or even a three year old to speak His truth into my life. God uses even the least of these for His purposes.
Now I listen for God’s voice before I hear it from the mouth of babes because next time, He might prompt my son to speak in public.
In the past, I didn’t allow many people to speak God’s truth into my life. Unable to accept criticism and godly wisdom, no one could say anything about my actions, attitudes, or decisions. I was in a hurry too much of the time to hear from God either. It wasn’t until my son was born that I changed. One day, my son asked, “Mommy, why are you angry a lot?”
Ouch! What a kick in the gut from a three-year-old.
One servant of God had this problem too. In Numbers 22, a king asked Balaam to curse the Israelites, but God told Balaam ‘No’ because Israel had His blessing. When the king heard Balaam’s answer, he sent another group of leaders to persuade him. God told Balaam to get ready to go, but not to do anything until He spoke again. Balaam didn’t listen and went ahead on his donkey. On the way, his donkey started acting up. Balaam was angry enough to kill the donkey. Then God opened the donkey’s mouth to speak about Balaam’s actions. God, allow Balaam to see the angel that had been blocking the animal’s path and Balaam was ashamed.
God seeks our change with such tenacity. He loves so much that He will use any approach to get truth into our lives. God is powerful enough to use my family, church, husband, an unbeliever, a donkey or even a three year old to speak His truth into my life. God uses even the least of these for His purposes.
Now I listen for God’s voice before I hear it from the mouth of babes because next time, He might prompt my son to speak in public.
Monday, June 9, 2008
No Bad Pictures
How often do we desire to show or bad qualities, whether inward or outward? I am the first to admit instantly deleting pictures that paint me in unfavorable light, especially if those pictures accentuate perceived or obvious flaws. Any hair out of place, any less than perfect smile, any acne or arm that bulges just a little too much is quickly eliminated and if it must be kept for will definitely not make it into cyberspace. I don’t want anyone to see my outer flaws, just as we all do.
I spent so much of my life obsessing over my outward appearance. Later, as my youthful appearance changed, so did my inward spirit regarding that change, but recently I discovered what I had failed to see then. My outward appearance had changed into a reflection of my inward self, not the other way around. Let me explain.
During one life altering event, the inward life I had so carefully constructed, was shattered like a glass window. Even though, at that time, my outward appearance may have seemed pulled together, it was really only a childish construct of who I should and would become.
As the years passed and the inward me remained broken, my outward appearance began to shift to reflect the inward broken state. I am a living statement to how closely our emotional and physical lines are intertwined. My inner walls began to manifest themselves physically in my cardiovascular system, unknown to me then. Physically, my body was coating my blood vessels with fiber walls in direct relation to the emotional havoc I was wreaking on my body. And where I was emotionally unable to allow good things into my life and let bad things go, now my body mimicked that emotional state. My body was unable to allow good nutrients into or allow toxins to leave through the blood.
How ironic then, when God began to work on my inward life through the pain of my outward life and disregarded my prayers to change the outward pain I was experiencing. The New Testament covenant that Jesus brought to us prioritizes the internal work in our lives over the external and He was doing that in me as well. He used not only the pain of my changing physical appearance, but also the pain of a depleted system taxed with toxins.
Looking back on the pain of that time, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change a single experience. During that time, God was sifting through the shatter pieces of glass and rebuilding me piece by piece into a mosaic of His masterpiece. Now, when He shines His light through my life, like a mosaic window, it reflects in so many more directions than it ever did as a single piece. My life is a living testament to the love and grace of Christ who heals all wounds and turns lives upside down for the better. He is the God that takes shattered lives and turns them into multi-faceted pieces of art that are able to reflect His Glory into the lives of so many more than was previously possible.
His light illuminates my life and His love now sustains me. I can’t praise Him enough or thank Him enough for pursuing me so completely and loving me so thoroughly. I can’t tell you enough of the beautiful work that is now the inner me. The inner me is healed and made perfect in my weakness.
But even now the outward me, in appearance and often physical illness, is a reminder of God’s grace even when I was still a mess on the inside. All the pictures I take today are reflections of the bad days I once had. They are constant reminders of the change that has been worked on the inside.
I say this all to bear my throat to the sword of criticism and share with all who will listen the "bad pictures" of my life. I invite you to delve into my bad days if you will, dig around if you must and ask what questions you will, but they all point to a ONE greater than I. Know that God exchanged those bad days for good and created an inner me worthy of the calling of Christ and still does today.
If, in some way, you find yourself in bad days and call yourself a child of God, know that He has not left you. He is still working in you to create a work of His art. Don’t fight it. Learn quickly and see how great our God is! If you don’t call yourself a child of God and find yourself in bad days, know that God is ready to redeem them and turn them into something wonderful if you only believe in Him.
I spent so much of my life obsessing over my outward appearance. Later, as my youthful appearance changed, so did my inward spirit regarding that change, but recently I discovered what I had failed to see then. My outward appearance had changed into a reflection of my inward self, not the other way around. Let me explain.
During one life altering event, the inward life I had so carefully constructed, was shattered like a glass window. Even though, at that time, my outward appearance may have seemed pulled together, it was really only a childish construct of who I should and would become.
As the years passed and the inward me remained broken, my outward appearance began to shift to reflect the inward broken state. I am a living statement to how closely our emotional and physical lines are intertwined. My inner walls began to manifest themselves physically in my cardiovascular system, unknown to me then. Physically, my body was coating my blood vessels with fiber walls in direct relation to the emotional havoc I was wreaking on my body. And where I was emotionally unable to allow good things into my life and let bad things go, now my body mimicked that emotional state. My body was unable to allow good nutrients into or allow toxins to leave through the blood.
How ironic then, when God began to work on my inward life through the pain of my outward life and disregarded my prayers to change the outward pain I was experiencing. The New Testament covenant that Jesus brought to us prioritizes the internal work in our lives over the external and He was doing that in me as well. He used not only the pain of my changing physical appearance, but also the pain of a depleted system taxed with toxins.
Looking back on the pain of that time, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change a single experience. During that time, God was sifting through the shatter pieces of glass and rebuilding me piece by piece into a mosaic of His masterpiece. Now, when He shines His light through my life, like a mosaic window, it reflects in so many more directions than it ever did as a single piece. My life is a living testament to the love and grace of Christ who heals all wounds and turns lives upside down for the better. He is the God that takes shattered lives and turns them into multi-faceted pieces of art that are able to reflect His Glory into the lives of so many more than was previously possible.
His light illuminates my life and His love now sustains me. I can’t praise Him enough or thank Him enough for pursuing me so completely and loving me so thoroughly. I can’t tell you enough of the beautiful work that is now the inner me. The inner me is healed and made perfect in my weakness.
But even now the outward me, in appearance and often physical illness, is a reminder of God’s grace even when I was still a mess on the inside. All the pictures I take today are reflections of the bad days I once had. They are constant reminders of the change that has been worked on the inside.
I say this all to bear my throat to the sword of criticism and share with all who will listen the "bad pictures" of my life. I invite you to delve into my bad days if you will, dig around if you must and ask what questions you will, but they all point to a ONE greater than I. Know that God exchanged those bad days for good and created an inner me worthy of the calling of Christ and still does today.
If, in some way, you find yourself in bad days and call yourself a child of God, know that He has not left you. He is still working in you to create a work of His art. Don’t fight it. Learn quickly and see how great our God is! If you don’t call yourself a child of God and find yourself in bad days, know that God is ready to redeem them and turn them into something wonderful if you only believe in Him.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
God is Closer Than You Think
Farah Doose Testimony
Even as I child, I always felt I felt a deep chasm of loneliness. I was very sensitive and the normal experiences of childhood never rolled off my back. They stayed with me. Because of this, I learned early on that walls were a good thing. They protected me from getting hurt. People seemed dangerous to me, so I built my walls high and thick. Not knowing what to do with my fears and insecurities, I instead came off aloof.
Through it all, I still felt that God was with me during my childhood. I remember calling on Him through the pain and literally feeling Him holding me in His arms like a tender Father. The only other person I let in was my mom because she understood my fears. Those experiences with God and my mom kept me from total collapse within myself. Years later, when I was 18, my family was told my mom had Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
After an eighteen month battle, I lost my mother. I was shattered and my faith in God was battered. I couldn’t believe that God would take the only person I trusted, who really understood me and had helped me through my childhood. Why hadn’t He answered the prayers of thousands? But more importantly, why hadn’t He answered my prayers? Although my mom’s death shook my faith, it wasn’t completely gone.
At her memorial, I looked around at a church with almost a thousand people in it and I still had enough faith to ask God to make me into the type of person that my mom had been. I wanted my life to have the same witness she had.
After her death, I tried to pick up the pieces. My family moved away and again I felt lonely and abandoned. My friends disappeared. God frustrated the career I wanted, the finances I worked for, the friends I prayed for, the ministry I desired, and the life I tried to make for myself. I became angrier with God because not only had “He” taken my mother and rearranged my life, but I couldn’t even hear His voice anymore.
I think that is what hurt the most. God was silent and I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t comfort me during my greatest struggles. These things “proved” to me that God didn’t really care about what happened to me. I was in the world, but a shadow of a person. I was alone and I scrambled to build my wall higher than ever.
My husband and I got pregnant in our fourth year of marriage. My son proved to be a very difficult first child. I was overwhelmed, lonely, and desperate for a change. I wanted to turn to Him, but I couldn’t completely trust Him. I still believed that God didn’t really care about me and that I had to take care of myself. I muddled through the pain, but began to take a serious look at my spiritual life. Although I began to seek God, I still felt like there was a glass ceiling between us.
Increasingly over the 10 years following my mother’s death, I had been struggling with health problems. I felt horrible. My health was the last thing I had left and it was gone. I had never felt more alone and abandoned.
Amazingly as only God can do, my breakthrough came through the very person who had hurt me the most as a young child. I would never have thought that God would have used my older sister to bring me back to Him. One day, I was lying in bed in terrible pain and God prompted my older sister to call me. Weak and barely able to talk, she chatted with me as best she could. During the conversation, I started explaining how I had been unable to hear from God. He didn’t speak during bible studies or prayers.
Then God began to speak through her and He said to me, “I have seen your every tear and I have heard your every cry. I have never left your side. I have been there right alongside you every step of the way. I have never left you. I have cared for you all along. I am here for you. If you draw close to me, I will draw close to you.”
In that instance, the floodgates opened and I released my pain, my fear, and the wall I had place between God and myself. Those words released me truly and fully into God’s hands. I was not alone! I had never been alone! He had been right there beside me through it all. I felt my wall shatter that day. As our conversation continued, I felt a surge of strength flow through me like I had never felt. I was filled with the fullness of God and his strength renewed me like I never thought possible.
As I look back on my life, I can see how God was working to draw me closer to Him during the time He seemed absent. Ten years earlier, God had begun to work in my life to fulfill the prayer I had prayed at my mother’s memorial. My prayer was a desire to have a life of impact, but God couldn’t use me to glorify Him when I was broken and walled away. He couldn’t help me until I REALLY want help and was willing to listen to Him. When I was finally at the very end of myself, my relationship with God changed. I became supple and useable to bring glory to God.
Over the course of last year, God’s blessing kept coming. He has healed me, helped me become a better wife and mother, gave me wonderful friends, restored past relationships, gave me a ministry and allowed me to minister to others like I had never experienced. Although life is never perfect, I have more joy than I ever thought possible. Without my walls, He is able to use the sensitive nature He gave me for HIS purposes.
Romans 11:33-34 says and I can truly say, “Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods!” and Ps 119:71 “For my good it was for me that I was afflicted, to learn Your Statutes.” As I discovered, I was not alone. He was much closer than I thought.
Even as I child, I always felt I felt a deep chasm of loneliness. I was very sensitive and the normal experiences of childhood never rolled off my back. They stayed with me. Because of this, I learned early on that walls were a good thing. They protected me from getting hurt. People seemed dangerous to me, so I built my walls high and thick. Not knowing what to do with my fears and insecurities, I instead came off aloof.
Through it all, I still felt that God was with me during my childhood. I remember calling on Him through the pain and literally feeling Him holding me in His arms like a tender Father. The only other person I let in was my mom because she understood my fears. Those experiences with God and my mom kept me from total collapse within myself. Years later, when I was 18, my family was told my mom had Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
After an eighteen month battle, I lost my mother. I was shattered and my faith in God was battered. I couldn’t believe that God would take the only person I trusted, who really understood me and had helped me through my childhood. Why hadn’t He answered the prayers of thousands? But more importantly, why hadn’t He answered my prayers? Although my mom’s death shook my faith, it wasn’t completely gone.
At her memorial, I looked around at a church with almost a thousand people in it and I still had enough faith to ask God to make me into the type of person that my mom had been. I wanted my life to have the same witness she had.
After her death, I tried to pick up the pieces. My family moved away and again I felt lonely and abandoned. My friends disappeared. God frustrated the career I wanted, the finances I worked for, the friends I prayed for, the ministry I desired, and the life I tried to make for myself. I became angrier with God because not only had “He” taken my mother and rearranged my life, but I couldn’t even hear His voice anymore.
I think that is what hurt the most. God was silent and I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t comfort me during my greatest struggles. These things “proved” to me that God didn’t really care about what happened to me. I was in the world, but a shadow of a person. I was alone and I scrambled to build my wall higher than ever.
My husband and I got pregnant in our fourth year of marriage. My son proved to be a very difficult first child. I was overwhelmed, lonely, and desperate for a change. I wanted to turn to Him, but I couldn’t completely trust Him. I still believed that God didn’t really care about me and that I had to take care of myself. I muddled through the pain, but began to take a serious look at my spiritual life. Although I began to seek God, I still felt like there was a glass ceiling between us.
Increasingly over the 10 years following my mother’s death, I had been struggling with health problems. I felt horrible. My health was the last thing I had left and it was gone. I had never felt more alone and abandoned.
Amazingly as only God can do, my breakthrough came through the very person who had hurt me the most as a young child. I would never have thought that God would have used my older sister to bring me back to Him. One day, I was lying in bed in terrible pain and God prompted my older sister to call me. Weak and barely able to talk, she chatted with me as best she could. During the conversation, I started explaining how I had been unable to hear from God. He didn’t speak during bible studies or prayers.
Then God began to speak through her and He said to me, “I have seen your every tear and I have heard your every cry. I have never left your side. I have been there right alongside you every step of the way. I have never left you. I have cared for you all along. I am here for you. If you draw close to me, I will draw close to you.”
In that instance, the floodgates opened and I released my pain, my fear, and the wall I had place between God and myself. Those words released me truly and fully into God’s hands. I was not alone! I had never been alone! He had been right there beside me through it all. I felt my wall shatter that day. As our conversation continued, I felt a surge of strength flow through me like I had never felt. I was filled with the fullness of God and his strength renewed me like I never thought possible.
As I look back on my life, I can see how God was working to draw me closer to Him during the time He seemed absent. Ten years earlier, God had begun to work in my life to fulfill the prayer I had prayed at my mother’s memorial. My prayer was a desire to have a life of impact, but God couldn’t use me to glorify Him when I was broken and walled away. He couldn’t help me until I REALLY want help and was willing to listen to Him. When I was finally at the very end of myself, my relationship with God changed. I became supple and useable to bring glory to God.
Over the course of last year, God’s blessing kept coming. He has healed me, helped me become a better wife and mother, gave me wonderful friends, restored past relationships, gave me a ministry and allowed me to minister to others like I had never experienced. Although life is never perfect, I have more joy than I ever thought possible. Without my walls, He is able to use the sensitive nature He gave me for HIS purposes.
Romans 11:33-34 says and I can truly say, “Oh, what a wonderful God we have! How great are his riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his methods!” and Ps 119:71 “For my good it was for me that I was afflicted, to learn Your Statutes.” As I discovered, I was not alone. He was much closer than I thought.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
To Love Again Ch 2
Lani sat across the worn writing desk and watched Dr. Scott scribble in her notebook. This was to be her last session before returning to school. Her counseling was voluntary so Lani couldn't be forced to stay, but Dr. Scott’s opinion was still valuable. Would the doctor say she was ready even with the nightmares? The doctor lifted her head. Lani smiled at the plain woman whose brown mane was barely held in place by her hair clip. The doctor never could get her hair to cooperate and it set her at ease. Even doctor’s had bad days even if they were only bad hair days.
“Before you leave today,” the doctor said in her soothing voice, “I want to try something to help ease the nightmares. This technique is called picture association and may help you sleep better at night. You have to have a very open mind and a good imagination. Do you want to try it?”
“I’ll try anything if it helps me sleep,” Lani said. “Do I need to schedule another appointment before I leave?”
“Actually we can start now. It only takes a few minutes.” The counselor leaned over her desk and pulled a CD from a drawer. “I want you to think of the most relaxing place you have ever visited or wanted to visit. You just need a strong mental image of a place that reflects complete calm and peace.”
Lani thought for a moment and the picture of a secluded beach popped into her head. “My parents took me to visit the Hawaiian Islands where my mom’s ancestors lived. My great grandmother’s people once lived near that beach.”
“Excellent,” Dr Scott placed the CD into a player and pressed a button. Ocean waves echoed over the speakers. “That should help you imagine the place. Ok, close your eyes and imagine the beach.”
Lani shut her eyes tight and pictured herself on the beach. Bright white sand crunched beneath her feet and rubbed her toes. Sparkling aqua water rolled onto the sand in rhythmic intervals. The bright sun shone down on her and she felt it warm her. She walked across the sand and bent down to touch the water. The cool sea lapped at her hands and then rushed out toward the ocean again with a whoosh of salty air. A seagull flew overhead and shrieked out a call.
“Do you have the place firmly in your mind?” The doctor’s voice called from afar. “Can you see yourself there?” Lana nodded. “Good, now I want you to picture a bed in the middle of the beach. Think of a bed that is comforting to you.”
Still on the beach, Lani envisioned a bed she had seen in a catalogue. It had seemed so peaceful and comforting. The bed frame floated from the sky to the middle of the beach. Its large padded headboard was covered in brown damask and rose up like the back of an armchair with wings that surrounded the head of the bed. It sat on a box base covered in the same fabric. Then Lani imagined the blue tinged quilted bed covers on the bed. Its borders framed in the same chocolate fabric of the headboard. She just wanted to run and jump into the fluffy fabric and let it envelope her.
“Now, imagine the place has turned into evening and you are in the bed.” Her counselor said.
The sun faded into the horizon and turned the sky into a multi-hued palate before dipping out of sight. Lani stared up from under the bed covers into the glittering night sky. The stars above winked at her as the many lights blended with one another in a speckled vein across the sky.
“As you imagine yourself all alone in your bed, I want you to think of people who are close to you. Imagine them standing around you as you sleep.”
One by one, people popped into her mind. Her mom Ipolani, her dad James, Aunt Pua, Uncle Kanani, Grandma Wailani, Grandfather Imaikalani, her uncle Lee, cousin Jenna and many others that she loved all stood around her bed. They stood shoulder to shoulder and formed a human wall around her. All she could see were their accepting smiles and the stars above. She felt safe, protected, nothing could uncover her here. Lani smiled.
“Excellent.” Doctor Scott said more loudly. Lani’s eyes snapped open and she looked at the doctor.
“That’s it?”
“Yes,” the doctor smiled, “The idea is to exchange the bad mental image you have and give you a new image to think of when you go to sleep.”
“Oh! I think that will definitely work. I was so peaceful and felt so protected just now.”
“Good, now just bring yourself back to that place right before you go to bed and every time you begin to replay the mental images of your trauma.” Dr. Scott reached over to switch off the ocean CD. The room felt boring without the ocean sounds, but Lani finally felt good about going back to school.
“I wish we had done that earlier,” Lani added as she gathered her things to leave.
“This technique doesn’t work as well when you haven’t dealt with the other issues we’ve discussed these past months.” Dr. Scott handed Lani the CD in its case. “This will be much more helpful if you can play the CD all night at least until you get adjusted during the first few weeks of school. I am proud of you Lani. You have come such a long way.”
Lani blushed. “Thank you doctor Scott for all your help.” She rushed out the door. It was strange to say goodbye to someone who knew so much about her and who she knew so little about, yet she hoped she never had to see her again.
Lani ran to her car and threw her purse and books into the passenger seat. The CD Dr. Scott had given her slid into the car’s player easily. Several seconds of ocean sounds permeated the car before she closed the case and threw it into the passenger seat.
As the case flew over the stick shift, a flash of light reflected in her eyes. She picked up the case again and noticed a sticker on the front that said, “From the office of Dr. Mark Levine, Psychologist. Lani ejected the CD and studied it. It didn’t have a label; just some scribbled writing.
To Annie Scott
I hope these soothing sounds
wash away your bad memories.
Dr. Levine
Lani remembered that Dr. Scott had pulled the CD from her drawer before Lani ever said anything about the beach. Lani popped the CD back in and skipped through the tracks. Every single one was ocean sounds. A small pool formed in Lani’s eyes. She smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes. No more crying. The engine revved as she cranked the car into reverse and pulled out of the office driveway, ready for whatever lay ahead.
“Before you leave today,” the doctor said in her soothing voice, “I want to try something to help ease the nightmares. This technique is called picture association and may help you sleep better at night. You have to have a very open mind and a good imagination. Do you want to try it?”
“I’ll try anything if it helps me sleep,” Lani said. “Do I need to schedule another appointment before I leave?”
“Actually we can start now. It only takes a few minutes.” The counselor leaned over her desk and pulled a CD from a drawer. “I want you to think of the most relaxing place you have ever visited or wanted to visit. You just need a strong mental image of a place that reflects complete calm and peace.”
Lani thought for a moment and the picture of a secluded beach popped into her head. “My parents took me to visit the Hawaiian Islands where my mom’s ancestors lived. My great grandmother’s people once lived near that beach.”
“Excellent,” Dr Scott placed the CD into a player and pressed a button. Ocean waves echoed over the speakers. “That should help you imagine the place. Ok, close your eyes and imagine the beach.”
Lani shut her eyes tight and pictured herself on the beach. Bright white sand crunched beneath her feet and rubbed her toes. Sparkling aqua water rolled onto the sand in rhythmic intervals. The bright sun shone down on her and she felt it warm her. She walked across the sand and bent down to touch the water. The cool sea lapped at her hands and then rushed out toward the ocean again with a whoosh of salty air. A seagull flew overhead and shrieked out a call.
“Do you have the place firmly in your mind?” The doctor’s voice called from afar. “Can you see yourself there?” Lana nodded. “Good, now I want you to picture a bed in the middle of the beach. Think of a bed that is comforting to you.”
Still on the beach, Lani envisioned a bed she had seen in a catalogue. It had seemed so peaceful and comforting. The bed frame floated from the sky to the middle of the beach. Its large padded headboard was covered in brown damask and rose up like the back of an armchair with wings that surrounded the head of the bed. It sat on a box base covered in the same fabric. Then Lani imagined the blue tinged quilted bed covers on the bed. Its borders framed in the same chocolate fabric of the headboard. She just wanted to run and jump into the fluffy fabric and let it envelope her.
“Now, imagine the place has turned into evening and you are in the bed.” Her counselor said.
The sun faded into the horizon and turned the sky into a multi-hued palate before dipping out of sight. Lani stared up from under the bed covers into the glittering night sky. The stars above winked at her as the many lights blended with one another in a speckled vein across the sky.
“As you imagine yourself all alone in your bed, I want you to think of people who are close to you. Imagine them standing around you as you sleep.”
One by one, people popped into her mind. Her mom Ipolani, her dad James, Aunt Pua, Uncle Kanani, Grandma Wailani, Grandfather Imaikalani, her uncle Lee, cousin Jenna and many others that she loved all stood around her bed. They stood shoulder to shoulder and formed a human wall around her. All she could see were their accepting smiles and the stars above. She felt safe, protected, nothing could uncover her here. Lani smiled.
“Excellent.” Doctor Scott said more loudly. Lani’s eyes snapped open and she looked at the doctor.
“That’s it?”
“Yes,” the doctor smiled, “The idea is to exchange the bad mental image you have and give you a new image to think of when you go to sleep.”
“Oh! I think that will definitely work. I was so peaceful and felt so protected just now.”
“Good, now just bring yourself back to that place right before you go to bed and every time you begin to replay the mental images of your trauma.” Dr. Scott reached over to switch off the ocean CD. The room felt boring without the ocean sounds, but Lani finally felt good about going back to school.
“I wish we had done that earlier,” Lani added as she gathered her things to leave.
“This technique doesn’t work as well when you haven’t dealt with the other issues we’ve discussed these past months.” Dr. Scott handed Lani the CD in its case. “This will be much more helpful if you can play the CD all night at least until you get adjusted during the first few weeks of school. I am proud of you Lani. You have come such a long way.”
Lani blushed. “Thank you doctor Scott for all your help.” She rushed out the door. It was strange to say goodbye to someone who knew so much about her and who she knew so little about, yet she hoped she never had to see her again.
Lani ran to her car and threw her purse and books into the passenger seat. The CD Dr. Scott had given her slid into the car’s player easily. Several seconds of ocean sounds permeated the car before she closed the case and threw it into the passenger seat.
As the case flew over the stick shift, a flash of light reflected in her eyes. She picked up the case again and noticed a sticker on the front that said, “From the office of Dr. Mark Levine, Psychologist. Lani ejected the CD and studied it. It didn’t have a label; just some scribbled writing.
To Annie Scott
I hope these soothing sounds
wash away your bad memories.
Dr. Levine
Lani remembered that Dr. Scott had pulled the CD from her drawer before Lani ever said anything about the beach. Lani popped the CD back in and skipped through the tracks. Every single one was ocean sounds. A small pool formed in Lani’s eyes. She smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes. No more crying. The engine revved as she cranked the car into reverse and pulled out of the office driveway, ready for whatever lay ahead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
