Heavy Lifting

I don't know what age it starts, but for my son it was just recently when he turned six. Come to think if it, he did the same thing for a bit when he turned five. All throughout the year, he has been counting down to the age when he will do certain things. Six was his official date of big boy status. He even held onto certain behaviors because he could still do that stuff when he was five. Magically, at age six that changed and the behavior stopped because six years old don't do THAT kind of stuff anymore. Well, apparently as part of his big boy status, he decided he was capable of making adult level decisions. He has taken to trying to "discipline" his sister (which we put the kabash on really quick), work all the electrical equipment himself, get his own breakfast, and hide his nakedness from guests. He will come in and give himself time limits on eating and set his own consequence. He will say something like, "Mommy, if I don't eat all my dinner tonight then I will not be getting dessert." or "I am setting the timer for picking up and if I don't pick up by the time the timer rings, I won't get to watch my show."

Most of these things work really well because he learning to motivate himself, try new things and control his own behavior. The most frustrating things though are when he attempts to do something that is obviously out of his realm of expertise. Two of these things were trying to ride his bike without training wheels and jumping off the top of the slide at a dead run. With both of these activities, he really biffed it hard and hurt himself.

It got me to thinking about how many times I do this with God in my spiritual life. There must be something internal going on for me to attempt to do certain things outside His power. Do I just decide like my son that I am of the age that I can do these things myself or am I deluding myself about my spiritual maturity? Either way, I usually biff it hard, hurt myself and then wonder what in the world was I thinking that would make me believe I could actually do that on my own?

I think sometimes I take the verse, Phil 2:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and leave out the "through Christ" part. I should change the verse to say, "I can do nothing without Christ." In fact, John 15:5 states just that, "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

I have been a part of a church plant for the last six months and am on the Monday night team that is launching the church officially in September. We prayed, but I don't think I was really trying to rely on Christ's power in our meetings. After all, we had 6 educated people, of whom four were writers yet we couldn't come up with a mission statement for the church that really spoke to us. We were reading a ton of books, throwing out different phrases and ideas but every meeting was like pulling teeth. We were starting to get VERY frustrated.

Finally the pastor stopped the meeting one evening and said that God was directing him to have everyone go home and pray that week for God to speak to us about the vision/mission for our church. I flippantly said, "Ok, but I am almost positive God isn't going to have anything for me." That week, before I went to bed I would rattle of a prayer and ask God if He had anything for me. Like usual, I heard nothing and said, "Alright, nothing? Ok, night." By Thursday, I was certain nothing was going to come to me and again said, "Anything for me tonight? No? Alright, good night." Just as I laid my head down on my pillow, God flashed in my head the outline for the vision statement. I was positive that this was the format we were to use to design our mission statement.

I diligently prepared my presentation to "convince" everyone that this was from the Lord and presented it to the team the following Monday, hoping and praying that I had heard correctly. After all, God hadn't actually spoken to me, just flashed me the inspiration based on all the books I had been scouring. As I was making my "case" for God at the meeting, the pastor received a flash of inspiration for the words to fill in the outline I was presenting. Before we even had a chance to discuss, he was rattling off our mission/vision statement. The concept and the wording were dead on and floored us. We finally had our mission/vision statement and it was the easiest week of work we ever had.

This is just one example when I try to do life on my own and fail to throw myself at God's feet until He answers. How much easier would those weeks have been if we had just put it to God in the first place? What in the world made us think that outside His guidance and inspiration, we could come up with something just because we put a good team in place to do so. In fact, when God spoke there wasn't even a need for me to "make a case" for God. If the words were from God, they would stand up to scrutiny all on their own. He didn't even need me to do that. All He needed from me was to abide, to remain, to ask and let him do all the heavy lifting.

Are we there yet?

Sometimes I wonder things like:

“Haven’t I learned enough already?”
"Can’t I just take a break from changing and growing?"
"What is it You are trying to teach me now?”

I think faith is the toughest thing to learn and I find comfort in the fact that every single person deals with the same struggles. Am I going to believe God or not? Some days I do and some days I don’t. I love that even David, a man after God’s heart, whined and complained and stomped his feet. I love that Elijah was deeply depressed minutes after God miraculously provided fire from heaven to burn the sacrifice. I love that God didn’t punish Abraham for taking matters of the promise into his own hands and that the mighty disciples couldn’t stay awake in the garden with Jesus. I especially love that even Jesus poured out His heart to his Father in the Garden and asked to be spared from the suffering he was going to face. Jesus, God in the flesh, didn't want to feel pain. I don't blame him. If it had been me I would have been an absolute mess.

I am so grateful that God understands and allow us to feel. He never chastised David for asking God to “get” his enemies. Instead, God reminded him that he is a wonderful God and that He is in charge. God never told Elijah to “get it together.” Instead He ministered to him in the desert and then taught him how to hear His voice. God didn’t shame Abraham for his weakness, but gave him what was promised. Jesus wasn’t even angry at his disciples for not being able to stay away. He just let them sleep even during his greatest need. I even imagine that the Father poured out His love for His son before His death. I love that God allows me to be, to feel and tell Him all my heart’s desires because, after all, isn’t that what relationship is all about?

Aren’t the best relationships the ones where I am allowed to be myself, to have doubts, to be upset, to make mistakes and then through all that learn something? Isn’t that the safest environment for love? It is in this safe environment of love that I learn to hear, trust and grow. It is in faith that I become more than I ever dreamed I could be?

As painful as it is and as much as I would love to stop, every time I learn something new, I am so grateful that God didn't leave me in my previous state. I marvel at how miserable that lesson would have left me for the rest of my life, had I not learned it. A deeped relationship with God is well worth the temporary growing pains. I am so glad that I am not there yet.