Mercy Me…What If?

I had the most horrifying experience today, so much so that at 3 in the morning I am still so revved up about it that I can’t sleep. I don’t know if I will ever get to sleep tonight even though I have already taken several sleeping remedies. It has been a long two weeks with Jaren in kindergarten and Morgan in a mommy and me preschool two days a week. My schedule was turned upside down when Jaren was mysteriously switched from the am class to the pm class. With nothing I could do about it, that meant I now had to switch Morgan’s easier one day a week preschool class to the only one available in the afternoons. She was begging me to go to school, so we are attending school twice a week for her while also spending one day a week in Jaren’s class as a helper, per the school’s requirement. To top it all off, there is homework, reading, soccer practice and games, parent orientations, back to school nights, parent teacher meetings and Morgan’s class requires we meet monthly at night.

I am also furiously creating my class curriculum for two classes I am teaching. Needless to say, I am exhausted and off my game from my schedule. I just wasn’t thinking straight and I always think straight. This week was especially trying and I was ministering to a friend who was having a difficult time. I wanted to be there for her as well. We have a few great prayer meetings together and a visit at her house today, but I was starting to get tired. I decided to run one more errand on the way home to pick up a new stroller that I ordered for Morgan.

We picked up our order and headed home. Jaren wanted to ask daddy if we could go out to eat at Jimmy’s, so we were waiting for him to come home when Jaren suggested we put the stroller together. We spent about 20 minutes assembling the stroller and then Morgan and I took it for a spin in front of the house. I parked the stroller near the strawberry bushes in the grass and we all went to look at whether there were any more strawberries for this season. After a few minutes of fiddling about with various things, I moved the stroller on the driveway and was going to take it back up with me to the house. A couple dead plants caught my eye, so I left the stroller on the driveway and went to remove them. The kids followed me, but they were too close to the edge of the road and the dog was following them. I sent them back up the driveway and bent down to pick out the last two plants.

The next moment I heard a blood curdling scream and jerked up to see Morgan in the stroller racing down the driveway. You may not know, but we have a steep driveway and a very steep road that heads down the hill and Morgan was barreling down the one heading straight for the other. I screamed her name out and ran as fast as I could, but she was going too fast. Just as she hit the end of the driveway, something flipped the stroller and she went headfirst into the pavement. I was only a second behind and grabbed her by the waist, wrenched up the stroller and ran up the driveway. As I raced up the driveway, I didn’t even look to see the damage.
I must have tossed the stroller in the garage and yelled for Jaren to get inside with the dog as I rushed inside. Morgan was still screaming and my heart was pounding. “What had I done?!”

This is the moment I have been dreading and now I have allowed one of my children to possibly irreparably hurt them self. I sat her on the kitchen sink and began to wipe away the blood. It was the most awful moment of parenting I have ever experienced. My child is hurt and I hadn’t been prepared enough to stop it, smart enough to prevent it or fast enough to halt it. Luckily, Mike came home right then and Cori-Mom and dad were able to walk me through what had to be done. It looked much worse that it was, but I can’t stop thinking about whether she has a brain trauma, fractured nose or skull or something worse. We are monitoring and doing everything right, but my thoughts condemn me. What if?

What if I hadn’t needed to do one more thing? What if I had just put the brakes on just in case when I thought about it for a split second? What if I had been able to run faster? What if I had been able to just grab the handle? This is not a new fear that began with the birth of my children, but it is born from an old fear that has remained from my mother’s death, which is the biggest what if of all. What if it happens again? I know when my racing and anxious thoughts are beginning to rule me, but what if my greatest fear of losing my child, husband or family member ever happens? What if? The reality is that there is no guarantee that God wouldn’t decide to remove his hand of protection to allow something to happen to someone I love. This is not an irrational fear and no truth from the Word can combat this right? It could absolutely happen, so what if?

I have been writing lessons for a class I am teaching called Pathways to Emotional Freedom. I had all these tools fresh in my brain about taking your thoughts captive, praying against the spirits of fear and dealing with past hurts, so I changed my “What ifs”. What if she hadn’t fallen and had continued to careen into the street or down the even steeper hill? What if she had slammed into something going at a much faster speed? What if a car had been coming down the road at that same time? What if I hadn’t been able to get to her as fast I did because I was further up the driveway instead of at the bottom? What if it had been worse?

Lamentations 3:21-23 says, “This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Notice the first part of the verse. The author recalls to mind something positive about the Lord and that recollection changes his thoughts and ultimately changes his heart. The author’s circumstances have not changed, the possibilities and what if’s are still there, but now there is a God big enough to handle them. Verse 32 says, “But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving-kindness and tender mercy.”

Where there was pain, now there is hope. In Hebrews 11:1, hope is described as a product of faith. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Fear is the exact opposite. It is the substance of things “not hoped for”, the evidence of things not seen. The author of Lamentations could have continued to dwell on the negative, but he remembers that the Lord has mercy on us and therefore has hope. This hope is one that is set on the ONE who is in control. I have no control over anything except my ability to have faith in God. It is a focus on His character that brings hope that even when He allows grief to happen he is still working within His character of compassion, loving-kindness and tender mercy. What may hurt me, will not harm me if I allow Him to have it and works something good into the pain.

This faith is irrational because it trusts and believes anyway or in spite of pain, loss and tragedy. This is true faith, a faith that transcends fear. It hopes in things that are unseen even when there is something rational to fear. It is a faith based on God’s character not the circumstances of the world. The only what if that should really scare me, is what if I don’t have that faith when I need really need it. Mercy me…what if?